Friday was my last day as a nanny! Bittersweet, really, but if I am ever going to finish school, (and I AM going to finish!) I really need a job with a not so crazy schedule with less responsibility and more flexibility. I could hear God telling me it is time to move on for quite sometime now, but he made it very clear a couple of weeks ago. So I went out and got a job at Steak N Shake...but I couldn't do it. I had an icky feeling about it. As most of you know, I follow my instinct. I am a BIG believer in intuition. So I decided not to take the job. Most of you think this is stupid. Don't get me wrong, I am the biggest planner you will ever meet but right now, in my life, God is wanting me to let go and let Him be God. So, as hard as it is for me to do, I am letting go of the control and Giving it over to the one who has FULL control. I am expecting great things in this Chapter of my life as I learn to rely on Him for my EVERY need.

I am not the type to over-spiritualize anything but sometimes God just wants you to learn to trust Him.

I will be sure to update you all, whoever reads this ;), as God does things I can't even dream of during this time!

Do I deserve it?

Today I was praying and God really opened up my eyes to how I view myself and my life. I think that because I made mistakes in my past, I don't deserve the things that other people have. Or the things that I really want in life...the husband, the ministry, the kids...even though I believe all of these things are God's will for my life, I still can't help but think that they are an unachievable dream.

But I keep forgetting one thing. The Bible doesn't say God will give me the desires of my heart only if I never make any mistakes....God says,"You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." John 14:14. We must align our hearts with His and ask, in His name, for the desires He has placed in our heart. Not only that, but we (myself included) must BELIEVE we are worth it. God doesn't love us any less because of the sins we have committed. If we come with a repentant heart, He is waiting to forgive and wrap us in His unconditional love! THANK YOU, LORD for this! Teach me to love like you do!

So no matter what you've done, thought, said...etc...God is quick to forgive you and slow to anger. So bring all you have to His table and receive His grace in full and live in the freedom of His love.

silly kids!

I got some news last night that totally turned my world upside down. And the part that makes me upset is that I am letting it turn my world upside down. Why do I do this? Can't I see that life will go on?

This past weekend I went to the Fine Arts competition that I used to compete in when I was in high school. I was kind of humorous to see how uptight and highly stressed these poor kids were. The funny part was not the fact that they were stressed, but the fact that I used to be one of them. I wanted to shake them all and say, "It's ok! Life WILL go on and you wont even remember this moment. You won't remember all the motions to your human video...you won't even remember what you made it to nationals for." I want them to enjoy the moment they are in now because they will never get that moment back.

Why can't I see that, in my life right now, I am being that 16 year old kid. I'm so consumed with my problems and my life right now and a few years from now I will look back and not even remember what I was so upset about. God help me to be so consumed with you and the souls of the world, that my problems are insignificant in comparison. Lord, help me to enjoy the moment of life I am in right now because I will never get it back. Let me rest in the fact that You hold the world in your hands. Mountains move at the whisper of your name.

Broken

A year and a half ago my life was headed for disaster. I was partying and drinking almost every night, sleeping with a guy who didn't care about me, and digging myself into a financial disaster.

One day, in November of 2008, I looked at my life from an outside perspective...and I didn't like it. I thought to myself, "what if Jesus came back right now? Would He even know me?" Sadly, He wouldn't. This was not the way I was raised. I had a very stable and christian upbringing. But when I got out on my own, without a church and no one to help guide me spiritually...my conservative upbringing didn't seem to matter. The day I started re-evaluating my life I also looked at my friends and realized...they aren't happy. They are always struggling. And my life was headed that way...But worst of all, these are people who, at one point in their lives, had a very strong relationship with Jesus. People that I looked up to spiritually.

I packed up my stuff...broke my lease on my apartment, and headed home. A lot of people didn't understand my decision. They thought..."She just couldn't cut it out there on her own." And in some ways, that is true. I couldn't make it without a relationship with Jesus. I tried to do everything on my own and I was sinking in EVERY area of my life. I couldn't afford to make rent. I didn't have a steady relationship, or true friends I could trust my life with. I didn't have a church. I didn't have anything.

I was more depressed than I had ever been. On the verge of an eating disorder and a drinking problem, I was desperate. But God spared me. The night before I moved home I called everyone I knew that I thought could get me some cocaine. NO ONE answered. These are people who answer their phones at 3am regularly. I never tried it. My mom and friends back home must have been praying hard that night.

Since I moved back I have probably had a total of 10 drinks...this includes the glasses of wine I leave half full with my dinner. I have no desire for it. I got to church every Sunday and am very involved in a young adults ministry. And most importantly, I have been redeemed by the blood of Jesus. I truly know what it is like for His mercies to be new again every morning.

Not too long ago I saw a few of those friends...they are still living the same. I pray for them everyday and I am so grateful for my life and my freedom. Today, as I was praying, my heart was broken for all the people my age who think they have to live this way. They think there is not way out. They are too far in. They are unlovable. They are WRONG! If God can meet me where I am at,He can meet anyone. It is time to show love to the "unlovable" and pray them back into the Kingdom of heaven. I am only where I am at today because of prayer so I can only pay it forward.

I haven't even told my family this story about my life so I don't know why I am putting it all out here for the world to see. I just felt it was necessary.

His grace is sufficient for ALL of our needs.

and life goes on...

Today was probably the hardest day of my life. Monday my grandfather, who has been fighter for life for almost the last 2 months, passed away. This was so hard for me because I REALLY thought God was going to heal him. I know God's ways are not my own, and thank God for that, but this time I really thought He was going to come through for me on this one. We had seen so much progress....come so far...and then it's over. Just like that.

Almost 7 years ago my grandmother, his wife, passed away suddenly. In a way, this was harder for me. Now it's really over. I spent every single day of my childhood at their house, with them. They were the BEST grandparents I could ever have. So generous, so forgiving, everything you could ask for in a grandparent and more. And now, almost 7 years later, they are reunited. What a beautiful day in heaven. To finally be with your Lord and your wife. I couldn't be happier about that but still my heart is heavy. I am grieved for my dad, who doesn't have any parents on earth. That has to be a weird feeling. Where do you go when you need advice from someone who has been there before? The house that I grew up in, where my grandparents have lived for over 40 years is now empty. I can't begin to imagine how hard it will be to go over and clean it out. I can't imagine how my aunt feels, having no family of her own. Her daddy never got to walk her down the isle.

Today was sort of like a funeral for the both of my grandparents. I will miss you more than you know, Memaw and Grandpa.

in Love always,

Rebecca

please don't tell me I'm....

There are a few things i hope people NEVER say about me...

1. I'm Flaky. Flaky people annoy the crap out of me. If you aren't going to be somewhere or do something, just say it. There is no need to commit if you are not going to follow through. I strive to be a person who family, friends, co-workers, and anyone else can depend on.

2. I'm Lazy. I want to be a person who gets things done. Someone who is driven. I want people to look at me and think, "Now she is going places.'

3. I'm Insecure. Insecure people drive me INSANE! Get a little confidence, You were made by the Most High King and the Lord of all creation!! Seriously, if He thinks you're worth something, then you MUST be!

4. I'm Boring. As most of you can tell, I like to be the life of the party....but I also enjoy a cozy night at home. That being said, I don't ever want people to say I'm boring.

5. I use improper grammar. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine! I HATE it when people speak like uneducated children. Have some class people. I never want people to think I am one of those.

6. I'm socially awkward. Admit it, we've all been there. Someone is talking to you and you can't WAIT to get away. There is a lull in the conversation, you think "This is my chance!" but the other person doesn't get it. This is awkward for everyone...don't let it be you!

7. I'm a bad listener. I'll be honest, I really am a bad listener...but I don't want people to say it! It's not that I'm not interested in what you're saying, it's just that I'm too ADD to pay attention. Or you're taking your sweet time getting to the freakin' point! (Refer to #6)

8. I'm Rude. I think sometimes I come across as rude. Oops! My bad! This might be because I cut to the chase. I use abrupt words to get my point across. I also don't like small talk, so if I need something, I'll get right to the point. I am also VERY sarcastic and people sometimes take it the wrong way...your loss.

9. I'm conceited. I know what I'm good at, and I know what I am not good at. I have confidence in things I do well, but I NEVER want people to think I am conceited. There are many times when I am quite the opposite, in fact.

10. I'm a Space Cadet. We all have that friend, you know, the one who is really smart on paper but in real life they just don't seem to be "all there." They always seem to be in their own little world.

Tonight Mike mentioned something about flaky people in his message. Yesterday I was telling my mom that I NEVER wanted people to say that I am a flaky person. This got me thinking of who I don't want to be. We always think about who we want to be but I want to make sure I am not who I don't want to be also.

Things I'm excited about...

I have so many things I am excited about at this very moment. Since I LOVE lists, I will list them for you:

• I get to see my FAVORITE little boys tomorrow night!
  
• Whitney, one of my life long friends, is in town this weekend!
• I am going to NEW YORK in less than a month with some new friends!
• I am making the bridal cake and grooms cake for my very good friends, Michael and Stefanie, who are getting married April 23!! (This is NOT a cake I have made, I just like it!)
• I am going to Brazil in July! (Pictures to come!)

In the midst of a miracle!

Some of you may know, about a month ago my 80 year old grandpa fell and broke his neck. He went through the surgery with flying colors but then rapidly started going down hill about 2 weeks ago. He had an abscess on his back from the brace from his halo (yes this is the thing that is super uncomfortable and screwed into his SKULL!) He was delirious and mentally out of it from the pain. He was admitted to the ER with an infection, kidneys not working, and heart rate fluctuating. My dad has been at the hospital almost everyday since this has happened. My dad, sitting by his dad, who is in a coma. He cannot hear him, see him, or even squeeze my dad's hand.

Last Saturday my brother went with my dad to say goodbye, as we decided not to have him kept alive by machines. After this, my brother and I went to Saturday night prayer at the Movement. Only my brother, Pastor Mike, and I were there. At the end of prayer we came together and prayed for my grandfather. One of the things we said was we are praying for COMPLETE healing because we KNOW HE can! And even if He doesn't we still give Him the glory because He still deserves it. These words changed the way I prayed.

Sunday, after church, my dad called the hospital to check on my grandpa. The nurse said he was alert, looking around, squeezing her hand, and nodding his head!! WOW!!!! the DAY after we prayed so hard! He has been improving little by little every day. Today is is unhooked from the machines, ventilator out, and alert and talking. PRAISE GOD! I am amazed at His work! Now we are still praying for COMPLETE healing because I really know He can!

If you have a need, I encourage you to stay faithful. God rewards faithfulness. And even if He doesn't answer your prayer the way you'd like, remain faithful because God is good. Everything He does is for your good. He is concerned with the minor details of your life.

This is for you, Cierra!

Cierra over at California Creation tagged me in a photo game...

The rules are:

Open your first photo folder

Scroll to the 10th photo

Post the photo (no cheating) and the story behind it

Tag some peeps

Ok so I followed the rules and this is the random picture that came up:

This is my brother on Christmas eve night, 2008. Growing up, my dad always told us that Jewish people put up blue christmas lights. (blue CHRISTMAS lights should've been the dead give away that he was lying.) However, thinking that my daddy was always right, I believed him (and so did my brother) until I found out Christmas of '08 that he was lying!! MY whole life had been a lie!! My parents are also involved in the messianic jewish service at our church. We are also crazy FRIENDS fans and love the episode with the "Hanukkah Armadillo."

So my brother and I decided to buy a tree and when my parents went to bed on christmas eve, we would wrap all of the presents in blue paper addressing them to my parents from the Hanukkah Armadillo. We decorated the entire tree in blue...blue lights, blue ornaments...etc. We put the tree smack in the middle of the family room floor! My brother actually crafted the menorah at the top of the tree out of aluminum foil! GO JOHN! Needless to say, this made for a memorable christmas!

ok so here are the people I am tagging:

Rachael over at The Messy Disordered Sweet and Raw Here it is...

Sarah from Mommy Songs

and Adam from The Fat Kind and the Twinkie!

Investments

Lately I have been reading the Bible more than I ever have...consistently. A couple of weeks ago I challenged my small group to connect with God EVERYday. For instance: a quiet time. It seems simple but in the chaos that is our lives, sometimes it's hard to break away from life and have just a moment with the one who gave us life. I challenged them to not just pray, although that is important, but to read the Bible during this time. I think so many of us, myself included, take for granted that this is the written WORD OF GOD! We long for Him to speak to us but we refuse to open up his precious word and listen!

Since I am the one who is challenging the group, I guess I better do it! And I have, every single day! For some of you this may be simple but I am just going to be honest, some days it is really hard for me to open up the Bible and give it a lil read! I don't know why, but it is. And the longer I go without doing it, the more I don't want to. I never want to get in this habit again. On the other hand, the more I read it, the more I can't stop! And I always want to be in this habit!

As I read, more and more, I realize that it is not about me. God can work with or without me. But what an honor that He chose me. One thing Mike said tonight at the Movement, "It's not about us, it's about our message." How can I know what the message is if I am not reading it? He also asked if we were invested enough to make others want to invest. This made me think because I know that I am invested, but am I fully invested? I give my time, my money, my talent, even my gas for this ministry but do I really live what I am selling? I guess it's time to start!

A few things that have happened since I have been turning my focus completely to God...

I got a job!! YAY! Not just any job, my OLD job back! During my "unemployment" I filled in for a family I used to work for, with 3 boys, making MORE money than my normal job! Then when I was almost done at that job, my boss (the mother of the girls I was nannying) offered me my old job back, but even better than before! How does this happen??? It's the LORD!! Seriously! Who looses their job, then makes more money at an interim job, only to get their old job back at even better terms?? WOW!

During this whole time I could hear God saying, just watch me! Just sit back and let me be God. I didn't feel like I was supposed to go look for a job or plan anything else, I was just to let God handle it, and He did! How amazing! He just wanted me to give Him complete control of my life! ok God, here it is, take control!

life update...

Wow. It's been a while since I've last written. Frankly I haven't wanted to. I am at this weird stage of my life where, to most of the world, it doesn't look like I have a lot going for me. Sometimes, I admit, I buy into this lie. The truth is, I have a lot going for me. I have 2 more weeks left at this temp nanny job I have been working, and I might cry when it is over. I have been taking care of the kids I used to nanny before I moved to Houston in the fall of '08. I am not going to lie, I have been loving EVERY minute of it! The snuggling up and watching movies, playing games, making crafts, and I even get a kick out of the mischievous side. Let's face it, I have missed these boys like CRAZY! They are the closest I am going to get right now to having kids, and even better because I can leave at 6pm when they are getting cranky! I have no idea what step is next in my life. I am determined to hit school and hit it hard! I have finally decided on a degree....after YEARS of going back and forth, and nothing is going to stop me from finishing. Hospitality Management, doesn't it just sound like me?? I am super hospitable and i LOVE to manage! haha!

OH! remember the blog I wrote a few months ago? The Stage?? well here is an update...I am singing Sunday night for the first time in YEARS! Pray for me!

I have been in quite a funk lately. It seems my life has been on hold for a couple of months now and I am tired of it. In this "hold," it seems that I can't get control of anything. (which is horrible for a control freak like me!) I can't seem to drag myself to the gym, or eat healthy food, or even have a regular quiet time with God, and it seems I could use it now more than ever! I think I have reached my breaking point though and it is time for a change.

When I was reading in my quiet time today I came across some scriptures that really spoke to me. Psalm 9:9-10 "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you." wow...this pretty much speaks for itself. Lately it just seems to me that God is not here. I know He is but it just seems like He isn't. When I was reading, He made it VERY clear that He has NEVER nor will he EVER leave me or forsake me. Thank you Lord for your unfailing love. Even when I do not deserve it. Even when I choose other things over you, you are still faithful. You still answer my prayers from your holy hill. Thank you Lord that "You are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the Lord I cry aloud, and he answers me from His holy hill." These are some powerful words from the Lord. I hope it speaks to you as much as it does to me.

I challenge everyone to crack open the word of God today and see what He wants to speak to your life!

my current soap box!

WARNING: may contain slight hippie views!

Over thanksgiving I went to my sister's house in Springfield, MO. She told me about this documentary, Food Inc. In my opinion, EVERYONE should watch it! It talks about the chemicals that is put in our foods, our meats more than anything. Also, the big companies, who are cloning animals to feed to us and altering the genes of our "natural" food, are putting the small farmers, who do everything the natural way (the way God intended), out of business! I'm not even going to get started on the way the workers are treated! For more info go to takepart.com/foodinc.

I have always been semi-aware of the situation because my parents have shopped mostly organic for most of my life and I have been known to do without meat most of the time but this was still very eye opening to me. We, as consumers, seem to think that we cannot change things but we CAN! We need to choose healthy options and shop locally (local farmers markets are a great way to get involved). We need to protect the body that God gave us and stop putting so many chemicals, that we don't even know about, into them. I refuse to put chemically altered meats and vegetables into my body just because it is cheaper than the natural options.

I see kids today who are making meals out of poptarts or only eating chicken in nugget form and it makes me cringe. Like it or not, these are the kids that will be on the Biggest Loser, or another show like it, 15 years from now IF they are lucky! I believe it is our job as adults to teach the next generation how to make the best choices for a healthy lifestyle. How can we do this if we do not set a good example. What we choose to buy at the grocery store today is what determines what goes in it tomorrow. Let's make healthy decisions, if not for ourselves, for the generation to come. The first step is to make ourselves aware!

ok off the soap box! Love you all!

Strengths

Today I bought a book...before you die of shock, I read every night. I just don't always talk about what I am reading. Anyway, I bought Strengths Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath. I recommend this book to EVERYONE. It comes with an online quiz that helps you identify and channel your top 5 strengths. I believe everyone should know what they are good at. I love to know what other people got too so incase you are the same way, here are my top 5 strengths...

Individualization

Shared Theme Description

People who are especially talented in the Individualization theme are intrigued with the

unique qualities of each person. They have a gift for figuring out how people who are

different can work together productively.

Your Personalized Strengths Insights

What makes you stand out?

Driven by your talents, you enhance your own quality of life each time you reach out to

someone in need of assistance. Chances are good that you periodically investigate the “hows”

and “whys” of a given situation. You might find relationships between the final result and the

events preceding it. Perhaps these links enable you to understand how things came into being.

You may draw logical conclusions that can broaden your knowledge base. It’s very likely that

you derive much joy from assisting people in need. Instinctively, you may adopt a more

favorable outlook on life when you can identify the conditions that produced certain

outcomes. Perhaps you need to know why something did or did not happen. You might be

impelled to examine some of the details of specific events, processes, programs, or

mechanisms. Because of your strengths, you distinguish the fine points of each person’s

contribution to a conversation. You guide the exchange of information by drawing out the

singular perspectives of everyone involved. You help individuals bring forth their varied,

peculiar, eccentric, quaint, or unusual viewpoints. By honoring the uniqueness of each human

being, you enliven many dialogues.

Achiever

Shared Theme Description

People who are especially talented in the Achiever theme have a great deal of stamina and

work hard. They take great satisfaction from being busy and productive.

Your Personalized Strengths Insights

What makes you stand out?

Because of your strengths, you work with intensity to advance in your job or studies. You

expect to be rewarded for your hours of effort. You want to be acknowledged for your

successes. It’s very likely that you sometimes feel good about yourself and life in general

when you exhibit the self-discipline to apply all your energy — mental and physical — to a

particular job, assignment, goal, or obligation. Chances are good that you set very high

expectations for yourself. Typically you push yourself until you reach your goals. You are not

content unless you deliver the best performance or produce the most outstanding results.

Driven by your talents, you handle tension quite well. Stress and strain cause you to

concentrate most of your physical and mental energies on the right activities. Deadlines

probably motivate you to be much more efficient and effective. By nature, you sometimes

delight in working or studying by yourself. When you team up with people, you might be

disappointed when they fail to appreciate your ability to outperform them. A few individuals

may be threatened by your work ethic, persistence, or diligence.

Competition

Shared Theme Description

People who are especially talented in the Competition theme measure their progress against

the performance of others. They strive to win first place and revel in contests.

Your Personalized Strengths Insights

What makes you stand out?

By nature, you may be exceptionally motivated when you are pitted against others —

especially when only one person can be declared the very best. Your desire to capture the top

prize or finish in first place may drive your choices or explain your behavior. Instinctively,

you may feel a bit dissatisfied with your life when you are deprived of opportunities to

engage in rivalries, games, or contests. Perhaps you are drawn to situations where only one

person emerges victorious. Chances are good that you use your sharp mind to outmaneuver

your rivals. Your original thinking makes you a formidable — that is, dreaded — opponent.

It’s very likely that you may yearn to be independently successful. Sometimes you rely on

your results to build your reputation as an accomplished and competent professional or

student. Because of your strengths, you might feel more enthusiastic about your life when you

can compare your results to those of others. Perhaps you are motivated by the image of

yourself standing in the victory circle and being hailed as “the very best.”

Futuristic

Shared Theme Description

People who are especially talented in the Futuristic theme are inspired by the future and what

could be. They inspire others with their visions of the future.

Your Personalized Strengths Insights

What makes you stand out?

Chances are good that you sometimes feel an urge to introduce yourself to visitors and start

talking with them. Why? Maybe you welcome the chance to tell one more person what you

dream of accomplishing in the coming months, years, or decades. Maybe you just want the

individual to like you. By nature, you routinely create vivid mental images of what you plan

to accomplish in the coming weeks, months, or years. You delight in sharing your dreams and

goals with others. Formal and informal discussions usually capture your interest and keep

your attention. You welcome opportunities to refine your thinking about what is possible.

Instinctively, you create detailed and vivid images of what the future promises. You can

describe it long before others can imagine it. Driven by your talents, you might declare, “Life

is grand” when certain people stop and listen as you describe your hopes for the coming

months, years, or decades. Perhaps you share your images of the future with at least one

individual a day. This may be one way you keep your dreams alive. Because of your

strengths, you have a capacity for envisioning what the coming months, years, or decades

could, should, or will be like. Frequently you are prompted to transform your ideas into things

you can touch, taste, see, smell, or hear.

Significance

Shared Theme Description

People who are especially talented in the Significance theme want to be very important in the

eyes of others. They are independent and want to be recognized.

Your Personalized Strengths Insights

What makes you stand out?

Chances are good that you live your life at center stage. It is risky at times. However, it is the

only way you will ever know how much people appreciate and love you. Being a person of

prominence and achievement comes naturally to you. You easily capture the attention of

others. You sense that you are most alive when you hear thunderous applause or receive

accolades from those who realize you are important. It’s very likely that you sometimes

derive satisfaction from helping people recognize they have reached their desired goals. If

they have not met all their objectives, perhaps you emphasize the progress they have made up

to this point. By nature, you might choose to surround yourself with productive people. Why?

Maybe they are not afraid of hard work or long hours. Instinctively, you want people to listen

attentively to you. You expect them to take seriously what you say. Driven by your talents,

you seek jobs and assignments that allow you to influence people to do whatever needs to be

done. You are eager to be in a position of authority.

This is what makes me who I am. I feel it is pretty accurate!

The Stage

I have been reading some of my friends blogs and I am blown away by the honesty and transparency of some of their blogs! I myself want to be that transparent. So here goes...

I don't know what it is, but lately I find myself missing the stage. I miss everything about it. I miss the nerves beforehand, the blinding lights, the mic in my hand and the sweat in my palms, the feeling of accomplishment when you do something you thought you could never do, and most of all I miss helping others enter the throne room of God through song just to tell Him how much they love Him. Besides singing a couple of songs at my cousin's wedding last summer, it has been over 4 years since I have sang on the stage or in front of a crowd at all. Although I have been in voice lessons for 2 years of those "silent" 4, it's not the same.) I never thought I would go this long without singing, EVER!

From the time I was 4 years old I have been handed a mic and thrown onto the stage. Growing up a musician's kid in church, I never had to audition for a thing really. They just assumed I had natural talent so they asked me, more like told me, that I was going to sing this song or be in that play. I was always the exception to the rules in these situations. Example: When I was 4 I was too young to be in the music camp at my church but they made and exception for me. Also, my junior year in high school I worked, went to night school, and did dual credit at TCC to graduate early and as you can imagine, I was a VERY busy girl! So when I was asked to be in the Christmas play I made a deal with the director so I could miss all of the practices except the dress rehearsal.

This all changed when I went to masters commission. EVERYONE there has talent. Don't get me wrong, it is a good thing to be around such talent young people. But being the kid who always stood out, this was something to get used to. The talent did not stop at just the masters commission as the church worship band was incredibly talented! I begged and begged to be a part of this team but the worship pastor kept telling me I had to first be involved in the masters band. The only problem is, the leader of the band would NOT put me on the band...at all. He had his brother for back up and 2 female singers, he didn't need anyone else. I never sang in that band or the church worship team. I look back at this now and it was a good thing. I found other things that I am good at besides singing. I am a good leader, a good communicator, a good organizer, and the list goes on. I was stretched. Although I can see this now, I couldn't see it at the time. It really took a toll on my self esteem, as far as singing was concerned anyway. Never mind that the masters band leader wanted my opinion on the music or my criticism. This didn't matter to me because he didn't want my voice. I took it very personally. I thought I wasn't good enough, I thought my voice wasn't good enough. Not true, I know it now, but still it was a VERY humbling experience for me.

When I left masters I started going to a new church. I was even more unsure of myself and my ministry then when I went to masters, not to mention I was so burned out and emotionally and physically drained that, I swear, I must have slept for a month straight! You could imagine that I didn't want to have a part in any ministry. I was hurt. I got to church 5 minutes late and left during the closing prayer so I didn't have to get "sucked in" and get involved. I was mad at church and, even though it wasn't his fault, I was mad at God. But I also didn't know how to get involved, or even how to ask to sing with the worship team. I always thought it would be so conceited of me to ask them. (I can't believe how messed up my thinking is sometimes!)

After a string of events in my life, I have realized that I can't do life on my own. I need God and I need others. I am super involved in an incredible ministry (shout out 20/20) full of young people who want to make a difference. I love it and I love what I do there, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like something is missing. I have always felt a huge calling on my life, worship being one of the main focusses, and I just can't help but think that I may never get there. So even in the crowd during worship, I always try to sing my best. I take every moment I can (singing in the car, at home in my room, or whatever) to practice and keep my voice in shape because I want to be prepared when the moment comes. Is this silly? maybe, but whenever God chooses me to lead His people to praise and worship Him, I am going to be ready!

So now I'm going to tell you one of my most embarrassing secrets. I keep practicing songs, worship songs, really any kind of song. And by practicing I mean REALLY learning the song. I will play it over and over and learn it as if I am going to be singing it in front of thousands! I know it's silly but that is what I do! My mom makes fun of me but I can't help it, it's who I am. And now I must tell you that I did not write this for pitty. I just think this happens to more people than we think. Also, the guy who wouldn't let me sing is one of my very best friends now! He is one of the hand full of people that I would trust with my deepest secrets, or my life for that matter! So no hard feelings there :) Also, I feel like this time had to happen to humble myself.

But those who hope in the Lord.

Last year I wrote a blog on my facebook about the year I had in 2008. It was full of good and bad and I found out I was stronger than I thought. I wrapped up the blog by telling 2009 and "bring it on" I could take it...And boy did it! Needless to say, I am not ending this blog the same way!

I feel like this has been one of the hardest years of my life, if not THE hardest. I also feel like it has been hard for almost everyone. At the beginning of 2009 I just moved back to dallas, and back in with my parents. I was heart broken and never felt more alone. I was going to culinary school, and hating it! I had no church home and about 3 friends that still lived in the area, and I use 'in the area' very loosely since the closest one lived over 20 minutes away. I didn't have a job and I didn't feel like I had a purpose.

Since then I quit culinary school, got an amazing job (that we will come back to later), gotten my heart broken (again...what's new?), and made more friends then I can count through church. To other people 2009 may look like an unsuccessful year, but to me it was a year of growth. For the first time in my life I am living my own life, not in a 'not for Jesus' way...more like in a 'not for other people' way. I have really tried my hardest to listen to God and be who He wants me to be. I've tried (and am still trying) to not worry about every little thing and let Him guide me and take control of my life. Isaiah 40:31 says, "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

So now I sit here, already in 2010, not knowing much of what this year will hold....a new job since I will only be at mine until mid-January. Hopefully a new place to live. I love my parents but come on, I'm 23! New friendships and deeper levels to the ones I already have. But for 2010 I want to live by this verse. I want to put my hope in the Lord, completely. I want to give God a chance to be God, to be my provider, my comforter, my strength, my shelter, and whatever else He wants to be in my life this year. It sounds a lot better than the way I usually do things!

So to all my friends and family, and to those who had a particularly rough year, "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-25.