Broken

A year and a half ago my life was headed for disaster. I was partying and drinking almost every night, sleeping with a guy who didn't care about me, and digging myself into a financial disaster.

One day, in November of 2008, I looked at my life from an outside perspective...and I didn't like it. I thought to myself, "what if Jesus came back right now? Would He even know me?" Sadly, He wouldn't. This was not the way I was raised. I had a very stable and christian upbringing. But when I got out on my own, without a church and no one to help guide me spiritually...my conservative upbringing didn't seem to matter. The day I started re-evaluating my life I also looked at my friends and realized...they aren't happy. They are always struggling. And my life was headed that way...But worst of all, these are people who, at one point in their lives, had a very strong relationship with Jesus. People that I looked up to spiritually.

I packed up my stuff...broke my lease on my apartment, and headed home. A lot of people didn't understand my decision. They thought..."She just couldn't cut it out there on her own." And in some ways, that is true. I couldn't make it without a relationship with Jesus. I tried to do everything on my own and I was sinking in EVERY area of my life. I couldn't afford to make rent. I didn't have a steady relationship, or true friends I could trust my life with. I didn't have a church. I didn't have anything.

I was more depressed than I had ever been. On the verge of an eating disorder and a drinking problem, I was desperate. But God spared me. The night before I moved home I called everyone I knew that I thought could get me some cocaine. NO ONE answered. These are people who answer their phones at 3am regularly. I never tried it. My mom and friends back home must have been praying hard that night.

Since I moved back I have probably had a total of 10 drinks...this includes the glasses of wine I leave half full with my dinner. I have no desire for it. I got to church every Sunday and am very involved in a young adults ministry. And most importantly, I have been redeemed by the blood of Jesus. I truly know what it is like for His mercies to be new again every morning.

Not too long ago I saw a few of those friends...they are still living the same. I pray for them everyday and I am so grateful for my life and my freedom. Today, as I was praying, my heart was broken for all the people my age who think they have to live this way. They think there is not way out. They are too far in. They are unlovable. They are WRONG! If God can meet me where I am at,He can meet anyone. It is time to show love to the "unlovable" and pray them back into the Kingdom of heaven. I am only where I am at today because of prayer so I can only pay it forward.

I haven't even told my family this story about my life so I don't know why I am putting it all out here for the world to see. I just felt it was necessary.

His grace is sufficient for ALL of our needs.

and life goes on...

Today was probably the hardest day of my life. Monday my grandfather, who has been fighter for life for almost the last 2 months, passed away. This was so hard for me because I REALLY thought God was going to heal him. I know God's ways are not my own, and thank God for that, but this time I really thought He was going to come through for me on this one. We had seen so much progress....come so far...and then it's over. Just like that.

Almost 7 years ago my grandmother, his wife, passed away suddenly. In a way, this was harder for me. Now it's really over. I spent every single day of my childhood at their house, with them. They were the BEST grandparents I could ever have. So generous, so forgiving, everything you could ask for in a grandparent and more. And now, almost 7 years later, they are reunited. What a beautiful day in heaven. To finally be with your Lord and your wife. I couldn't be happier about that but still my heart is heavy. I am grieved for my dad, who doesn't have any parents on earth. That has to be a weird feeling. Where do you go when you need advice from someone who has been there before? The house that I grew up in, where my grandparents have lived for over 40 years is now empty. I can't begin to imagine how hard it will be to go over and clean it out. I can't imagine how my aunt feels, having no family of her own. Her daddy never got to walk her down the isle.

Today was sort of like a funeral for the both of my grandparents. I will miss you more than you know, Memaw and Grandpa.

in Love always,

Rebecca