love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps not record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 cor. 13

Sometimes I forget what love is. I want this love; not only from others, but I want to give this kind of love. This is everything that God is, and everything that our flesh does not want to be. I often times find myself more the opposite if this passage. It's like "Becca is NOT patient, she is not kind. She easily envies, she loves to boast, she is proud...." So here it is, it takes more than wanting to be all of the things. I have to actually do it. My mom once said, "You haven't actually made a decision until you follow through with it." (she was actually talking about working out, but I find it goes along with everything else in life) So everyday I am going to try to put this love into action. I encourage everyone else to try it too!

How Do I Love Thee?

Probably my favorite poem of all time...

How Do I Love Thee?

by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do i love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love the to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of every day's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for right.

I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better in death.

Patience my dear.

   So I am the type of girl that once I decide to do something, I jump at it full force! I do whatever it takes to make it happen. I am at a point in my life where I am just sitting! I like to call myself the sitting duck, if you will. So I have been praying and praying about my next step in life and I think I'm getting it. 

   I believe in divine encounters, not only with God but with people too! A couple of weeks ago I walked into Starbucks with a book, my notebook, and my Bible. (This is almost a daily occurrence for me. I believe that there is no holier place to have my quiet time with God than the place I love the most; Starbucks!) This time was different though...THIS time, Kari Jobe was sitting right across from where I was sitting! (if you know me at all, you know how much I love kari and her ministry. or if you know her, then you know what a sweetheart she is.) Anyway, I was star struck! So excited inside...but I couldn't let it show. (Because then I am a big nerd!) The first thing I did was text my mom to tell her the good news, then of course some other friends....and I got the same response from everyone I texted... (BTW how stalker-ish am I?) They all said to go talk to her... my initial reaction: NO WAY! So I went on with my business...sipping my smooth americano (no room for cream! of course!) and reading my Bible. Then She got up and ordered a drink. While waiting for her drink, Kari came and stood in a two foot radius from me...Since we had already done the friendly awkward stranger smile, (you know what I'm talking about here...) I decided to talk to her, and before I know it, KARI JOBE has pulled up a chair and is having coffee with me! (She probably doesn't think she had coffee with me, but in my mind this totally counts!) She sat and we talked for about 10-15 minutes about my favorite subject; ME! haha! 

   Seriously though, that thursday afternoon Kari Jobe, my role model, stopped what she was doing for just a couple of minutes and took an interest in my life. This meant so much to me. she was able to give some really great insight and answers on some things that I didn't know where I was going to find it. All in all this encounter was from God, and I knew it. Kari gave me some advice on some really great schools that have incredible programs in the exact thing I want (and feel I'm called) to do.

   Ever since that "divine encounter" with Kari, I have been praying about one place in particular. I feel a nudge in my heart that this is what my next step should be. It is a 10 month program that starts every September. I would LOVE to go this fall, but i know that is not possible. For one thing I am just getting my finances under control again since I moved back in with my parents. I know that I will need money saved up. The second is; I have to play either the guitar or piano. HELLO! I play neither. But, because I have a little experience with the piano, I choose that! So I know I need to take lessons and spend this year practicing that. But, just for kicks I figured I should fill out an application just to see what I'm getting myself into...and it is a lot more in depth than I thought. There is absolutely no way I can go this fall, it will have to be next. 

   So I told this GIANT story to say...I think...I KNOW...God is trying to teach me patience. So okay God, I surrender. Teach me what I need to know. I give my life to you. I cannot do it on my own.

If you just come with me....

   This has been a very fun and hectic weekend....I have been on the go the entire weekend. It started off with a night out with them fam. We went to eat, then we saw a friend and his band play at, what I like to call, a red neck bar! (let me make this clear; I would not hang out there if my friend was not playing there.) As I was sitting in this bar, I could feel a tugging in my spirit. It was a tugging that could only be from God. Saturday was busy from the start, The usual saturday errands began the day then Saturday night I went to the Rascal Flats concert. It was amazing. But while I was enjoy the incredible harmonies of one of the greatest groups of all time, I still couldn't shake this tugging. It was here, He was here. In the midst of the thousands and thousands of people, my God was sitting right next to me on the same blanket I was on. 

   All weekend long, I kept feeling this tug all weekend and I wondered what God was trying to say....

   This morning I got up and went to church. It is always an amazing experience at my church. I am truly lucky to go to a church where the leaders are not afraid to hear and obey God completely. As I am listening to the guest speaker, he starts to tell as story about an old man. This man was about to die, but before he did, he went to see mount everest. The man almost cancelled the tour because of foggy weather but the tour guide said, "If you just come with me, I promise, it's bigger than you imagined." So the man agreed and followed the guide. He could barely see his own feel, due to the fog. After a 2 hour travel, they finally reached the mountain. the man squinted and saw some mountains in the distance. He saw one that was slightly bigger than the rest and said, "I think I see it!!!" with excitement. The guide chuckled and turned the mans head upward and to the old man's amazement...It was HUGE! Bigger than he could ever imagined. 

   You see, this has been a very primitive time in my life. I cannot even explain it. I know God has an amazing plan for me, but I know it will take enormous sacrifice on my part. I may not always live a comfortably as I am used to. In fact I know I won't. I am taking steps to get to where I want to be, but it has been hard...and I know it will only get harder for a while. When I tell the people who are close to me about what I think God is calling me to do or what and where I think my next steps are going to be, I haven't gotten the reaction I thought I would. For some reason I thought everyone would just jump on board and say, "You can do it Becca!! That sounds awesome!" Instead I have gotten this reaction, "Why don't you just get your teaching degree, that way you can have a nice steady job." or "Good luck with that!" (in a sarcastic tone.) But it seems that when I tell people who haven't known me forever, or people that don't even know me at all what I think God's plan is for me, I get an enthusiastic, "Cool! That is so awesome! You'll be great at that!" So in the back of my mind I have been struggling with wondering if I really heard God's voice in this. But today at church I heard God saying to me, "If you just come with me, I promise, it's bigger than you imagine." (I was probably the only one in my whole congregations, 20,000 people, who more than teared up in this story.) 

   I don't know exactly what God has planned, or the exact road that will take me there, but I do know, If I just come with Him, it's bigger than I could ever imagine.

The New and Improved Becca

Do you ever feel this way?

   I know what I want to be, but I don't know how to get there. I almost feel stuck as the person that I am, like I will never go further into who I was made to be. I want to be the person everyone can count on. the one you can call at 3 am and I will stay on the phone with you, whatever you need. I want to be financially independent; out of my parents house. (it's a good house, but I'm 22.) I could do that, but I have yet to finish college. I know that in the long run, it is better to stay here for free and finish school than to get out on my own and get stuck working and never finish college. I also know that more than anything else, I want to sing. (how cheesy does that sound? haha!) It's true. I believe that is my biggest calling; the reason I was put on this earth, however, I have not sang (and by singing, i mean on a worship team or band.) in over five years. Right now I do not have the time to commit to any such team but I still have the itch. I keep trying to get involved in the worship team at my church, and EVERY time I sign up for the meeting you have to go to before the evaluation, something important, like school or work, comes up and I cannot go. Then I think, "If i can't even make it to the meeting, how can I devote time every week to practice?" I feel that I have a valid point for this...if I cannot commit, the I cannot commit. 

   More than all of this I see a person who is so in love with God that this is her reason for being. Someone who really does trust God with her entire life, not just the parts that she can give up control (which aren't many), but her whole life. I want to be a girl, or better yet a young lady, who knows the voice of God. Not just as my God, but as my friend. I want to be able to hear Him in a crowded room full of people and the noise that goes along with it. I want to be able to hear Him in a quite room with no one there but me and Him. I want to be a person who is truly patient and slow to anger. I see myself at home when I get mad about something, or in traffic, yelling at the other drivers...this is not a girl who is slow to anger. 

   I wonder if I will ever be this person. Am I too hard on myself? After all, I am only human. We are supposed to strive to be like Jesus, right? But we aren't Jesus. He is the only one who is perfect. Are we striving for something we will never reach? I don't know, I may never know. If I ever get there, to be this person I so desperately want to be, will I be striving to be another person? An even better person? I sure hope so. 

   If any of you know me at all, you know that I am quite the perfectionist. Sometimes to a point where it is hindering to me. If I try something and start to fail, I will quit before I can. Or if I think I may not be good at something, then I will just not try it at all. I think I am the same in my christian walk. When I do something "bad" or "wrong," I tend to just give up on being this person I want to be. Every time I say, "This time I will do better," but still I make the same old mistakes, I cuss out the people in traffic, (calm down, they can't hear me!) or I skip out on reading my Bible to watch tv or just zone out or take a nap. Will I ever get to this new and improved Becca or is this what a christian life actually is? 

The Start of it All

   This whole blogging thing is new to me but I wanted to give it a go...I love to write, love to spill my brain. I'm not really expecting anyone to read this but I am thinking it is going to do a lot for my sanity to clear my head in a space where I think no one is listening. 

   The last two months have been very strange for me. A lot has changed in my thinking, and I have made a lot of little and big decisions that will surely turn my life in a new direction. I am trying to forget about what I think I want in life and what I think is best for me and fully trust God and listen to what he has for me. This is VERY hard for me!!! I don't know if I can explain it any other way. You know how you always tell your friends when they are going through something, "Well just give it to God!" or "We'll just have to trust God, He knows what's best! It will all work out!" I am one of those friends! That is my first answer for everything...but I'm gonna let you in on a little secret...I don't always believe that. In fact i RARELY believe it. It's so easy to say you trust God, but when it comes down to it, do you REALLY trust Him. I know I don't always trust that He has everything under control. Maybe it's because I am such a control freak, maybe this is harder for me, but I have a feeling I am not the only one who struggles in this area. 

   I am starting a book, Stop Acting Like a Christian, Just be One, and I think I am really going to get a lot out of it. I am trying to figure out what it looks like to really be a christian...this word has been so twisted, I don''t even like using it. So many "christians" have ruined it for the rest of us and more importantly, those who are not christians. I am searching for what this is all really about, instead of what we've made it to be...if anyone can really figure that out.

   

   Thanks for listening!