So most of the time my blogs are about deep spiritual growth or something a little mind provoking...NOT TODAY!!! This last month has been one of the most stressful ones of my life. I work full time as a nanny, I go to school at night, I take voice and piano lessons and practice at some point in between, I am getting more involved in the young adults ministry I go to (and I love it), and I still seem to have somewhat of a social life! This would normally be fine, but for some reason it's not working for me. I don't have as much time to my self as I would like (something that I did not require before masters) and more importantly, I don't have as much time to spend with Jesus. Something's gotta give! I love being the friend that other people can come to for help, but right now I don't know how much more I can take.
On top of all of this I am tormenting myself inside my head. It seems as if most of my friends are doing what they feel called to do in life, or settling down, getting married, and dare i say it...even having kids. I know every twenty-something year old out there probably feels the same way, but i feel stuck. I am struggling in school more than I ever have, I have worked very hard to have a 4.0 GPA and I am on the verge of not even passing one of my classes...Pathetic! And since I am my own worst critic, this eats away at me. I once did extra credit to bring my grade in a class up from a 98 to a 100 even though it would just read A on my report card. I couldn't help it...I would know the REAL grade.
I look at everything I am doing right now and somethings gotta give. ok my job...NOPE! thats how I get my money and pay the bills...and besides, I love my job! well then what about piano and voice...NO WAY! I feel like singing is my biggest calling in life, and right now that is the ONLY time I sing. Then what about 2020? YEAH RIGHT! that is one of the only things that is keeping me somewhat sane right now. It can't be my friends or my family because what is this life all about if you don't have relationships. Then what? School? It's really tempting right now, I'm not gonna lie! If I don't start understanding what is going on in this class, I may have to. Then what would happen? I would have to endure the speeches about how I am screwing up my life from my mom and sister. I have been thinking about it, and really I don't even want to work with my major...or any major I could get for that matter. To be perfectly honest, I am really just going so everyone else will shut up.
I don't know if everyone else feels this way, but I am a big believer in, "If you don't like what you're getting, change what you're doing." So here is my prayer, "Lord help me to hear your voice. Give me peace in the storm and lead me in the way you want me to go because in the end, that's what really matters."
I am not one to show a vulnerable side, I like to think I can do any and everything. When will I learn to just let go and let God....I don't know, it may be a constant battle.
