The Stage

I have been reading some of my friends blogs and I am blown away by the honesty and transparency of some of their blogs! I myself want to be that transparent. So here goes...

I don't know what it is, but lately I find myself missing the stage. I miss everything about it. I miss the nerves beforehand, the blinding lights, the mic in my hand and the sweat in my palms, the feeling of accomplishment when you do something you thought you could never do, and most of all I miss helping others enter the throne room of God through song just to tell Him how much they love Him. Besides singing a couple of songs at my cousin's wedding last summer, it has been over 4 years since I have sang on the stage or in front of a crowd at all. Although I have been in voice lessons for 2 years of those "silent" 4, it's not the same.) I never thought I would go this long without singing, EVER!

From the time I was 4 years old I have been handed a mic and thrown onto the stage. Growing up a musician's kid in church, I never had to audition for a thing really. They just assumed I had natural talent so they asked me, more like told me, that I was going to sing this song or be in that play. I was always the exception to the rules in these situations. Example: When I was 4 I was too young to be in the music camp at my church but they made and exception for me. Also, my junior year in high school I worked, went to night school, and did dual credit at TCC to graduate early and as you can imagine, I was a VERY busy girl! So when I was asked to be in the Christmas play I made a deal with the director so I could miss all of the practices except the dress rehearsal.

This all changed when I went to masters commission. EVERYONE there has talent. Don't get me wrong, it is a good thing to be around such talent young people. But being the kid who always stood out, this was something to get used to. The talent did not stop at just the masters commission as the church worship band was incredibly talented! I begged and begged to be a part of this team but the worship pastor kept telling me I had to first be involved in the masters band. The only problem is, the leader of the band would NOT put me on the band...at all. He had his brother for back up and 2 female singers, he didn't need anyone else. I never sang in that band or the church worship team. I look back at this now and it was a good thing. I found other things that I am good at besides singing. I am a good leader, a good communicator, a good organizer, and the list goes on. I was stretched. Although I can see this now, I couldn't see it at the time. It really took a toll on my self esteem, as far as singing was concerned anyway. Never mind that the masters band leader wanted my opinion on the music or my criticism. This didn't matter to me because he didn't want my voice. I took it very personally. I thought I wasn't good enough, I thought my voice wasn't good enough. Not true, I know it now, but still it was a VERY humbling experience for me.

When I left masters I started going to a new church. I was even more unsure of myself and my ministry then when I went to masters, not to mention I was so burned out and emotionally and physically drained that, I swear, I must have slept for a month straight! You could imagine that I didn't want to have a part in any ministry. I was hurt. I got to church 5 minutes late and left during the closing prayer so I didn't have to get "sucked in" and get involved. I was mad at church and, even though it wasn't his fault, I was mad at God. But I also didn't know how to get involved, or even how to ask to sing with the worship team. I always thought it would be so conceited of me to ask them. (I can't believe how messed up my thinking is sometimes!)

After a string of events in my life, I have realized that I can't do life on my own. I need God and I need others. I am super involved in an incredible ministry (shout out 20/20) full of young people who want to make a difference. I love it and I love what I do there, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like something is missing. I have always felt a huge calling on my life, worship being one of the main focusses, and I just can't help but think that I may never get there. So even in the crowd during worship, I always try to sing my best. I take every moment I can (singing in the car, at home in my room, or whatever) to practice and keep my voice in shape because I want to be prepared when the moment comes. Is this silly? maybe, but whenever God chooses me to lead His people to praise and worship Him, I am going to be ready!

So now I'm going to tell you one of my most embarrassing secrets. I keep practicing songs, worship songs, really any kind of song. And by practicing I mean REALLY learning the song. I will play it over and over and learn it as if I am going to be singing it in front of thousands! I know it's silly but that is what I do! My mom makes fun of me but I can't help it, it's who I am. And now I must tell you that I did not write this for pitty. I just think this happens to more people than we think. Also, the guy who wouldn't let me sing is one of my very best friends now! He is one of the hand full of people that I would trust with my deepest secrets, or my life for that matter! So no hard feelings there :) Also, I feel like this time had to happen to humble myself.