transparency

So in this blog I am just going to tell it like it is. The past month or so has been rough. I have realized that I have been holding on to a lot of things in my past that I just can't seem to let go. I guess it's a daily battle. I have been reading, praying, and studying the Word more than ever. But I still seem to be missing something; TRUST. I don't know how to trust God. The funny thing is, when I give other people advice this is the first thing I tell them..."trust God." And I believe He will come through for them or make a way. With all my heart I believe! But when it comes to my own life I really struggle with trusting that God wants to provide for me, or that He has my best interest at heart. Somehow I don't think I am worthy enough. (And I'm not, but Jesus tore that veil and made a way when He died on the cross for us, for ME.) I know all of this, yet somehow I still can't seem to trust Him! This infuriates me more than anything.

James 1:2-4 says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be MATURE and COMPLETE, not lacking anything." This is my prayer right now: That God would make me mature and complete, not lacking anything. But I have to remember to trust God.

Just last night I was telling someone that my dad had made a decision for me. They then asked how I felt about the decision and I said, "It really doesn't matter because I just have to know that he is my daddy and he has my best interest at heart. So I have to trust that he made the decision that was best for me." At that moment It was like the words coming out of my mouth were from the God, about God. He is my Daddy and He has my best interest at heart, therefore I must trust Him.

Someone, besides me needed that.

the rainbow

Ok let me start off by saying I am the worst blogger ever! I am so inconsistent! Ok now look at the picture very closely... can you see the rainbow? 

The last month or so I have been in a funk.... not depressed or anything, just a funk. I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying, searching...etc. I feel like my life changes from day to day and I can't catch up with it. Last year at this time I was in the roughest spot in my life to date. I keep thinking to myself, I cannot go through something like that again! I won't make it. Last year was my flood. 

Throughout this "funk" I have been consistently praying and seeking what God has for me. Today as I drove home from work I had the radio off and I was praying aloud. I turned the corner and to my amazement, I saw the most beautiful rainbow (you can hardly see it in the picture though). Then I remembered in the Bible God sent a rainbow to promise Noah and his family that he would never send a flood like that again to destroy the earth. This was a simple way for God to say He will never send a flood like that to destroy my life again. Even when life gets hard, God did not leave Noah and his family and He will not leave me! 

So Lord, I will praise you in the storm.

My emo blog!

        So most of the time my blogs are about deep spiritual growth or something a little mind provoking...NOT TODAY!!! This last month has been one of the most stressful ones of my life. I work full time as a nanny, I go to school at night, I take voice and piano lessons and practice at some point in between, I am getting more involved in the young adults ministry I go to (and I love it), and I still seem to have somewhat of a social life! This would normally be fine, but for some reason it's not working for me. I don't have as much time to my self as I would like (something that I did not require before masters) and more importantly, I don't have as much time to spend with Jesus. Something's gotta give! I love being the friend that other people can come to for help, but right now I don't know how much more I can take. 

        On top of all of this I am tormenting myself inside my head. It seems as if most of my friends are doing what they feel called to do in life, or settling down, getting married, and dare i say it...even having kids. I know every twenty-something year old out there probably feels the same way, but i feel stuck. I am struggling in school more than I ever have, I have worked very hard to have a 4.0 GPA and I am on the verge of not even passing one of my classes...Pathetic! And since I am my own worst critic, this eats away at me. I once did extra credit to bring my grade in a class up from a 98 to a 100 even though it would just read A on my report card. I couldn't help it...I would know the REAL grade. 

        I look at everything I am doing right now and somethings gotta give. ok my job...NOPE! thats how I get my money and pay the bills...and besides, I love my job! well then what about piano and voice...NO WAY! I feel like singing is my biggest calling in life, and right now that is the ONLY time I sing. Then what about 2020? YEAH RIGHT! that is one of the only things that is keeping me somewhat sane right now. It can't be my friends or my family because what is this life all about if you don't have relationships. Then what? School? It's really tempting right now, I'm not gonna lie! If I don't start understanding what is going on in this class, I may have to. Then what would happen? I would have to endure the speeches about how I am screwing up my life from my mom and sister. I have been thinking about it, and really I don't even want to work with my major...or any major I could get for that matter. To be perfectly honest, I am really just going so everyone else will shut up. 

        I don't know if everyone else feels this way, but I am a big believer in, "If you don't like what you're getting, change what you're doing." So here is my prayer, "Lord help me to hear your voice. Give me peace in the storm and lead me in the way you want me to go because in the end, that's what really matters."

        I am not one to show a vulnerable side, I like to think I can do any and everything. When will I learn to just let go and let God....I don't know, it may be a constant battle. 

My screwed up mindset

Tell me, am I the only one who thinks like this?

Anytime I am talking to a friend who is in need, I never hesitate to say with enthusiasm, "I will pray for you!" Not only do I pray for them, bust I expect God to move. I expect things to happen and hearts to change! And they do, things happen...God pulls through once again...YAY! However, anytime I need or even want things to change in my life or want God to pull through in my life, I don't even want to pray about it because I really don't expect God to answer a prayer for me. I don't know if deep down inside I think it is selfish to pray for my needs when I could be praying for someone else's, or if I just don't think I deserve what I am asking for. I don't know what it is, but I just can't seem to pray for my own needs with the same expectancy as I pray for others. How do I break this? Am I the only on who feels like this? Will it ever change? I don't know, ironically, I guess I will have to pray about it....

clock watching

So today I found myself thinking it was Wednesday all day, when in fact it was only Tuesday. Every time I had to remind myself it was Tuesday, I found myself getting so upset. Then I realized Every day I count down the hours and minutes until I leave work, then the hours and minutes until the next activity and so on until I go to bed, then the next day I wake up and do it all over again...also counting down the days until the weekend. The more I look around, the more I find that I am not the only one wishing my life away. When will I (we) stop counting down and start enjoying each moment of my life? Is it when I move out of my parents house? When I get a big girl job? When I get married? Have kids? Or maybe it will be when my kids go to school, or even when they go off to college, how about when I retire?  I think you get my point. But now I see the problem but now how do I fix it? When will I learn to slow down and just enjoy my life, every part of it. When will I learn to stop worrying about what's next and be content with where I am at? I will let you know when I figure that out!

love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps not record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 cor. 13

Sometimes I forget what love is. I want this love; not only from others, but I want to give this kind of love. This is everything that God is, and everything that our flesh does not want to be. I often times find myself more the opposite if this passage. It's like "Becca is NOT patient, she is not kind. She easily envies, she loves to boast, she is proud...." So here it is, it takes more than wanting to be all of the things. I have to actually do it. My mom once said, "You haven't actually made a decision until you follow through with it." (she was actually talking about working out, but I find it goes along with everything else in life) So everyday I am going to try to put this love into action. I encourage everyone else to try it too!

How Do I Love Thee?

Probably my favorite poem of all time...

How Do I Love Thee?

by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do i love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love the to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of every day's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for right.

I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better in death.

Patience my dear.

   So I am the type of girl that once I decide to do something, I jump at it full force! I do whatever it takes to make it happen. I am at a point in my life where I am just sitting! I like to call myself the sitting duck, if you will. So I have been praying and praying about my next step in life and I think I'm getting it. 

   I believe in divine encounters, not only with God but with people too! A couple of weeks ago I walked into Starbucks with a book, my notebook, and my Bible. (This is almost a daily occurrence for me. I believe that there is no holier place to have my quiet time with God than the place I love the most; Starbucks!) This time was different though...THIS time, Kari Jobe was sitting right across from where I was sitting! (if you know me at all, you know how much I love kari and her ministry. or if you know her, then you know what a sweetheart she is.) Anyway, I was star struck! So excited inside...but I couldn't let it show. (Because then I am a big nerd!) The first thing I did was text my mom to tell her the good news, then of course some other friends....and I got the same response from everyone I texted... (BTW how stalker-ish am I?) They all said to go talk to her... my initial reaction: NO WAY! So I went on with my business...sipping my smooth americano (no room for cream! of course!) and reading my Bible. Then She got up and ordered a drink. While waiting for her drink, Kari came and stood in a two foot radius from me...Since we had already done the friendly awkward stranger smile, (you know what I'm talking about here...) I decided to talk to her, and before I know it, KARI JOBE has pulled up a chair and is having coffee with me! (She probably doesn't think she had coffee with me, but in my mind this totally counts!) She sat and we talked for about 10-15 minutes about my favorite subject; ME! haha! 

   Seriously though, that thursday afternoon Kari Jobe, my role model, stopped what she was doing for just a couple of minutes and took an interest in my life. This meant so much to me. she was able to give some really great insight and answers on some things that I didn't know where I was going to find it. All in all this encounter was from God, and I knew it. Kari gave me some advice on some really great schools that have incredible programs in the exact thing I want (and feel I'm called) to do.

   Ever since that "divine encounter" with Kari, I have been praying about one place in particular. I feel a nudge in my heart that this is what my next step should be. It is a 10 month program that starts every September. I would LOVE to go this fall, but i know that is not possible. For one thing I am just getting my finances under control again since I moved back in with my parents. I know that I will need money saved up. The second is; I have to play either the guitar or piano. HELLO! I play neither. But, because I have a little experience with the piano, I choose that! So I know I need to take lessons and spend this year practicing that. But, just for kicks I figured I should fill out an application just to see what I'm getting myself into...and it is a lot more in depth than I thought. There is absolutely no way I can go this fall, it will have to be next. 

   So I told this GIANT story to say...I think...I KNOW...God is trying to teach me patience. So okay God, I surrender. Teach me what I need to know. I give my life to you. I cannot do it on my own.

If you just come with me....

   This has been a very fun and hectic weekend....I have been on the go the entire weekend. It started off with a night out with them fam. We went to eat, then we saw a friend and his band play at, what I like to call, a red neck bar! (let me make this clear; I would not hang out there if my friend was not playing there.) As I was sitting in this bar, I could feel a tugging in my spirit. It was a tugging that could only be from God. Saturday was busy from the start, The usual saturday errands began the day then Saturday night I went to the Rascal Flats concert. It was amazing. But while I was enjoy the incredible harmonies of one of the greatest groups of all time, I still couldn't shake this tugging. It was here, He was here. In the midst of the thousands and thousands of people, my God was sitting right next to me on the same blanket I was on. 

   All weekend long, I kept feeling this tug all weekend and I wondered what God was trying to say....

   This morning I got up and went to church. It is always an amazing experience at my church. I am truly lucky to go to a church where the leaders are not afraid to hear and obey God completely. As I am listening to the guest speaker, he starts to tell as story about an old man. This man was about to die, but before he did, he went to see mount everest. The man almost cancelled the tour because of foggy weather but the tour guide said, "If you just come with me, I promise, it's bigger than you imagined." So the man agreed and followed the guide. He could barely see his own feel, due to the fog. After a 2 hour travel, they finally reached the mountain. the man squinted and saw some mountains in the distance. He saw one that was slightly bigger than the rest and said, "I think I see it!!!" with excitement. The guide chuckled and turned the mans head upward and to the old man's amazement...It was HUGE! Bigger than he could ever imagined. 

   You see, this has been a very primitive time in my life. I cannot even explain it. I know God has an amazing plan for me, but I know it will take enormous sacrifice on my part. I may not always live a comfortably as I am used to. In fact I know I won't. I am taking steps to get to where I want to be, but it has been hard...and I know it will only get harder for a while. When I tell the people who are close to me about what I think God is calling me to do or what and where I think my next steps are going to be, I haven't gotten the reaction I thought I would. For some reason I thought everyone would just jump on board and say, "You can do it Becca!! That sounds awesome!" Instead I have gotten this reaction, "Why don't you just get your teaching degree, that way you can have a nice steady job." or "Good luck with that!" (in a sarcastic tone.) But it seems that when I tell people who haven't known me forever, or people that don't even know me at all what I think God's plan is for me, I get an enthusiastic, "Cool! That is so awesome! You'll be great at that!" So in the back of my mind I have been struggling with wondering if I really heard God's voice in this. But today at church I heard God saying to me, "If you just come with me, I promise, it's bigger than you imagine." (I was probably the only one in my whole congregations, 20,000 people, who more than teared up in this story.) 

   I don't know exactly what God has planned, or the exact road that will take me there, but I do know, If I just come with Him, it's bigger than I could ever imagine.

The New and Improved Becca

Do you ever feel this way?

   I know what I want to be, but I don't know how to get there. I almost feel stuck as the person that I am, like I will never go further into who I was made to be. I want to be the person everyone can count on. the one you can call at 3 am and I will stay on the phone with you, whatever you need. I want to be financially independent; out of my parents house. (it's a good house, but I'm 22.) I could do that, but I have yet to finish college. I know that in the long run, it is better to stay here for free and finish school than to get out on my own and get stuck working and never finish college. I also know that more than anything else, I want to sing. (how cheesy does that sound? haha!) It's true. I believe that is my biggest calling; the reason I was put on this earth, however, I have not sang (and by singing, i mean on a worship team or band.) in over five years. Right now I do not have the time to commit to any such team but I still have the itch. I keep trying to get involved in the worship team at my church, and EVERY time I sign up for the meeting you have to go to before the evaluation, something important, like school or work, comes up and I cannot go. Then I think, "If i can't even make it to the meeting, how can I devote time every week to practice?" I feel that I have a valid point for this...if I cannot commit, the I cannot commit. 

   More than all of this I see a person who is so in love with God that this is her reason for being. Someone who really does trust God with her entire life, not just the parts that she can give up control (which aren't many), but her whole life. I want to be a girl, or better yet a young lady, who knows the voice of God. Not just as my God, but as my friend. I want to be able to hear Him in a crowded room full of people and the noise that goes along with it. I want to be able to hear Him in a quite room with no one there but me and Him. I want to be a person who is truly patient and slow to anger. I see myself at home when I get mad about something, or in traffic, yelling at the other drivers...this is not a girl who is slow to anger. 

   I wonder if I will ever be this person. Am I too hard on myself? After all, I am only human. We are supposed to strive to be like Jesus, right? But we aren't Jesus. He is the only one who is perfect. Are we striving for something we will never reach? I don't know, I may never know. If I ever get there, to be this person I so desperately want to be, will I be striving to be another person? An even better person? I sure hope so. 

   If any of you know me at all, you know that I am quite the perfectionist. Sometimes to a point where it is hindering to me. If I try something and start to fail, I will quit before I can. Or if I think I may not be good at something, then I will just not try it at all. I think I am the same in my christian walk. When I do something "bad" or "wrong," I tend to just give up on being this person I want to be. Every time I say, "This time I will do better," but still I make the same old mistakes, I cuss out the people in traffic, (calm down, they can't hear me!) or I skip out on reading my Bible to watch tv or just zone out or take a nap. Will I ever get to this new and improved Becca or is this what a christian life actually is? 

The Start of it All

   This whole blogging thing is new to me but I wanted to give it a go...I love to write, love to spill my brain. I'm not really expecting anyone to read this but I am thinking it is going to do a lot for my sanity to clear my head in a space where I think no one is listening. 

   The last two months have been very strange for me. A lot has changed in my thinking, and I have made a lot of little and big decisions that will surely turn my life in a new direction. I am trying to forget about what I think I want in life and what I think is best for me and fully trust God and listen to what he has for me. This is VERY hard for me!!! I don't know if I can explain it any other way. You know how you always tell your friends when they are going through something, "Well just give it to God!" or "We'll just have to trust God, He knows what's best! It will all work out!" I am one of those friends! That is my first answer for everything...but I'm gonna let you in on a little secret...I don't always believe that. In fact i RARELY believe it. It's so easy to say you trust God, but when it comes down to it, do you REALLY trust Him. I know I don't always trust that He has everything under control. Maybe it's because I am such a control freak, maybe this is harder for me, but I have a feeling I am not the only one who struggles in this area. 

   I am starting a book, Stop Acting Like a Christian, Just be One, and I think I am really going to get a lot out of it. I am trying to figure out what it looks like to really be a christian...this word has been so twisted, I don''t even like using it. So many "christians" have ruined it for the rest of us and more importantly, those who are not christians. I am searching for what this is all really about, instead of what we've made it to be...if anyone can really figure that out.

   

   Thanks for listening!