New Year: New Blog.

I figured I would go ahead and write my annual new year blog. I just noticed that I haven't blogged since June, and assuming there is at least one person who reads it, my bad. I'm in a weird place this year. This was a very busy year for me, and it seems the same for everyone else. I have a few goals for this year. I don't like calling them resolutions, I feel as if that is lame. The first is like everyone else: to LOOSE weight! Not only that but to just get healthy! It seems as though I thought I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, without exercising and nothing would happen. Boy was I wrong! The Lbs just piled on. So I have already signed up for weight watchers, I have also been to a meeting and have been sticking to it pretty well.

The second goal is: to GET BACK IN CHURCH! on a regular basis. I compare myself to where I was last year at this time with my christian walk, BIG difference. I was a leader for a young adults ministry and in church at least twice a week. Now? I work on Saturdays and Sundays. Yes, I know they have services on Saturday night and I get off around 3 so I could go if I really wanted. To tell you the truth, I don't really want to. In November I resigned as a leader because I was so burned out. Not only am I burned out on ministry but I am a little burned out on Church all together. I am so tired of the way christians treat each other that it makes me not even want to go at all. (However I did go to Gateway Sunday night and it was good.) I have to admit I feel a little numb inside. I don't really care about anything right now, except school.

The Third goal is: to learn to say NO! I have a hard time admitting to others and to myself that I cannot or don't have to time to do something so I overwhelm myself trying to do everything and be everywhere. This year I am going to calm down and take a day off every week.

The fourth and final goal is: just to be a better person all around. I get so wrapped up in myself all the time, that I forget about others. As most of you know I don't beat around the bus and have a zero B.S. tolerance. I tend to like that about myself but I do think I could be a little more considerate with the feelings of others. I wouldn't necessarily like to be talked to the way I always talk to others.

So there it is, maybe not as profound as last year but I cannot even describe how difficult it was to even make myself write this. Happy reading and hopefully more to come soon!

Friday was my last day as a nanny! Bittersweet, really, but if I am ever going to finish school, (and I AM going to finish!) I really need a job with a not so crazy schedule with less responsibility and more flexibility. I could hear God telling me it is time to move on for quite sometime now, but he made it very clear a couple of weeks ago. So I went out and got a job at Steak N Shake...but I couldn't do it. I had an icky feeling about it. As most of you know, I follow my instinct. I am a BIG believer in intuition. So I decided not to take the job. Most of you think this is stupid. Don't get me wrong, I am the biggest planner you will ever meet but right now, in my life, God is wanting me to let go and let Him be God. So, as hard as it is for me to do, I am letting go of the control and Giving it over to the one who has FULL control. I am expecting great things in this Chapter of my life as I learn to rely on Him for my EVERY need.

I am not the type to over-spiritualize anything but sometimes God just wants you to learn to trust Him.

I will be sure to update you all, whoever reads this ;), as God does things I can't even dream of during this time!

Do I deserve it?

Today I was praying and God really opened up my eyes to how I view myself and my life. I think that because I made mistakes in my past, I don't deserve the things that other people have. Or the things that I really want in life...the husband, the ministry, the kids...even though I believe all of these things are God's will for my life, I still can't help but think that they are an unachievable dream.

But I keep forgetting one thing. The Bible doesn't say God will give me the desires of my heart only if I never make any mistakes....God says,"You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." John 14:14. We must align our hearts with His and ask, in His name, for the desires He has placed in our heart. Not only that, but we (myself included) must BELIEVE we are worth it. God doesn't love us any less because of the sins we have committed. If we come with a repentant heart, He is waiting to forgive and wrap us in His unconditional love! THANK YOU, LORD for this! Teach me to love like you do!

So no matter what you've done, thought, said...etc...God is quick to forgive you and slow to anger. So bring all you have to His table and receive His grace in full and live in the freedom of His love.

silly kids!

I got some news last night that totally turned my world upside down. And the part that makes me upset is that I am letting it turn my world upside down. Why do I do this? Can't I see that life will go on?

This past weekend I went to the Fine Arts competition that I used to compete in when I was in high school. I was kind of humorous to see how uptight and highly stressed these poor kids were. The funny part was not the fact that they were stressed, but the fact that I used to be one of them. I wanted to shake them all and say, "It's ok! Life WILL go on and you wont even remember this moment. You won't remember all the motions to your human video...you won't even remember what you made it to nationals for." I want them to enjoy the moment they are in now because they will never get that moment back.

Why can't I see that, in my life right now, I am being that 16 year old kid. I'm so consumed with my problems and my life right now and a few years from now I will look back and not even remember what I was so upset about. God help me to be so consumed with you and the souls of the world, that my problems are insignificant in comparison. Lord, help me to enjoy the moment of life I am in right now because I will never get it back. Let me rest in the fact that You hold the world in your hands. Mountains move at the whisper of your name.

Broken

A year and a half ago my life was headed for disaster. I was partying and drinking almost every night, sleeping with a guy who didn't care about me, and digging myself into a financial disaster.

One day, in November of 2008, I looked at my life from an outside perspective...and I didn't like it. I thought to myself, "what if Jesus came back right now? Would He even know me?" Sadly, He wouldn't. This was not the way I was raised. I had a very stable and christian upbringing. But when I got out on my own, without a church and no one to help guide me spiritually...my conservative upbringing didn't seem to matter. The day I started re-evaluating my life I also looked at my friends and realized...they aren't happy. They are always struggling. And my life was headed that way...But worst of all, these are people who, at one point in their lives, had a very strong relationship with Jesus. People that I looked up to spiritually.

I packed up my stuff...broke my lease on my apartment, and headed home. A lot of people didn't understand my decision. They thought..."She just couldn't cut it out there on her own." And in some ways, that is true. I couldn't make it without a relationship with Jesus. I tried to do everything on my own and I was sinking in EVERY area of my life. I couldn't afford to make rent. I didn't have a steady relationship, or true friends I could trust my life with. I didn't have a church. I didn't have anything.

I was more depressed than I had ever been. On the verge of an eating disorder and a drinking problem, I was desperate. But God spared me. The night before I moved home I called everyone I knew that I thought could get me some cocaine. NO ONE answered. These are people who answer their phones at 3am regularly. I never tried it. My mom and friends back home must have been praying hard that night.

Since I moved back I have probably had a total of 10 drinks...this includes the glasses of wine I leave half full with my dinner. I have no desire for it. I got to church every Sunday and am very involved in a young adults ministry. And most importantly, I have been redeemed by the blood of Jesus. I truly know what it is like for His mercies to be new again every morning.

Not too long ago I saw a few of those friends...they are still living the same. I pray for them everyday and I am so grateful for my life and my freedom. Today, as I was praying, my heart was broken for all the people my age who think they have to live this way. They think there is not way out. They are too far in. They are unlovable. They are WRONG! If God can meet me where I am at,He can meet anyone. It is time to show love to the "unlovable" and pray them back into the Kingdom of heaven. I am only where I am at today because of prayer so I can only pay it forward.

I haven't even told my family this story about my life so I don't know why I am putting it all out here for the world to see. I just felt it was necessary.

His grace is sufficient for ALL of our needs.

and life goes on...

Today was probably the hardest day of my life. Monday my grandfather, who has been fighter for life for almost the last 2 months, passed away. This was so hard for me because I REALLY thought God was going to heal him. I know God's ways are not my own, and thank God for that, but this time I really thought He was going to come through for me on this one. We had seen so much progress....come so far...and then it's over. Just like that.

Almost 7 years ago my grandmother, his wife, passed away suddenly. In a way, this was harder for me. Now it's really over. I spent every single day of my childhood at their house, with them. They were the BEST grandparents I could ever have. So generous, so forgiving, everything you could ask for in a grandparent and more. And now, almost 7 years later, they are reunited. What a beautiful day in heaven. To finally be with your Lord and your wife. I couldn't be happier about that but still my heart is heavy. I am grieved for my dad, who doesn't have any parents on earth. That has to be a weird feeling. Where do you go when you need advice from someone who has been there before? The house that I grew up in, where my grandparents have lived for over 40 years is now empty. I can't begin to imagine how hard it will be to go over and clean it out. I can't imagine how my aunt feels, having no family of her own. Her daddy never got to walk her down the isle.

Today was sort of like a funeral for the both of my grandparents. I will miss you more than you know, Memaw and Grandpa.

in Love always,

Rebecca