The Stage

I have been reading some of my friends blogs and I am blown away by the honesty and transparency of some of their blogs! I myself want to be that transparent. So here goes...

I don't know what it is, but lately I find myself missing the stage. I miss everything about it. I miss the nerves beforehand, the blinding lights, the mic in my hand and the sweat in my palms, the feeling of accomplishment when you do something you thought you could never do, and most of all I miss helping others enter the throne room of God through song just to tell Him how much they love Him. Besides singing a couple of songs at my cousin's wedding last summer, it has been over 4 years since I have sang on the stage or in front of a crowd at all. Although I have been in voice lessons for 2 years of those "silent" 4, it's not the same.) I never thought I would go this long without singing, EVER!

From the time I was 4 years old I have been handed a mic and thrown onto the stage. Growing up a musician's kid in church, I never had to audition for a thing really. They just assumed I had natural talent so they asked me, more like told me, that I was going to sing this song or be in that play. I was always the exception to the rules in these situations. Example: When I was 4 I was too young to be in the music camp at my church but they made and exception for me. Also, my junior year in high school I worked, went to night school, and did dual credit at TCC to graduate early and as you can imagine, I was a VERY busy girl! So when I was asked to be in the Christmas play I made a deal with the director so I could miss all of the practices except the dress rehearsal.

This all changed when I went to masters commission. EVERYONE there has talent. Don't get me wrong, it is a good thing to be around such talent young people. But being the kid who always stood out, this was something to get used to. The talent did not stop at just the masters commission as the church worship band was incredibly talented! I begged and begged to be a part of this team but the worship pastor kept telling me I had to first be involved in the masters band. The only problem is, the leader of the band would NOT put me on the band...at all. He had his brother for back up and 2 female singers, he didn't need anyone else. I never sang in that band or the church worship team. I look back at this now and it was a good thing. I found other things that I am good at besides singing. I am a good leader, a good communicator, a good organizer, and the list goes on. I was stretched. Although I can see this now, I couldn't see it at the time. It really took a toll on my self esteem, as far as singing was concerned anyway. Never mind that the masters band leader wanted my opinion on the music or my criticism. This didn't matter to me because he didn't want my voice. I took it very personally. I thought I wasn't good enough, I thought my voice wasn't good enough. Not true, I know it now, but still it was a VERY humbling experience for me.

When I left masters I started going to a new church. I was even more unsure of myself and my ministry then when I went to masters, not to mention I was so burned out and emotionally and physically drained that, I swear, I must have slept for a month straight! You could imagine that I didn't want to have a part in any ministry. I was hurt. I got to church 5 minutes late and left during the closing prayer so I didn't have to get "sucked in" and get involved. I was mad at church and, even though it wasn't his fault, I was mad at God. But I also didn't know how to get involved, or even how to ask to sing with the worship team. I always thought it would be so conceited of me to ask them. (I can't believe how messed up my thinking is sometimes!)

After a string of events in my life, I have realized that I can't do life on my own. I need God and I need others. I am super involved in an incredible ministry (shout out 20/20) full of young people who want to make a difference. I love it and I love what I do there, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like something is missing. I have always felt a huge calling on my life, worship being one of the main focusses, and I just can't help but think that I may never get there. So even in the crowd during worship, I always try to sing my best. I take every moment I can (singing in the car, at home in my room, or whatever) to practice and keep my voice in shape because I want to be prepared when the moment comes. Is this silly? maybe, but whenever God chooses me to lead His people to praise and worship Him, I am going to be ready!

So now I'm going to tell you one of my most embarrassing secrets. I keep practicing songs, worship songs, really any kind of song. And by practicing I mean REALLY learning the song. I will play it over and over and learn it as if I am going to be singing it in front of thousands! I know it's silly but that is what I do! My mom makes fun of me but I can't help it, it's who I am. And now I must tell you that I did not write this for pitty. I just think this happens to more people than we think. Also, the guy who wouldn't let me sing is one of my very best friends now! He is one of the hand full of people that I would trust with my deepest secrets, or my life for that matter! So no hard feelings there :) Also, I feel like this time had to happen to humble myself.

But those who hope in the Lord.

Last year I wrote a blog on my facebook about the year I had in 2008. It was full of good and bad and I found out I was stronger than I thought. I wrapped up the blog by telling 2009 and "bring it on" I could take it...And boy did it! Needless to say, I am not ending this blog the same way!

I feel like this has been one of the hardest years of my life, if not THE hardest. I also feel like it has been hard for almost everyone. At the beginning of 2009 I just moved back to dallas, and back in with my parents. I was heart broken and never felt more alone. I was going to culinary school, and hating it! I had no church home and about 3 friends that still lived in the area, and I use 'in the area' very loosely since the closest one lived over 20 minutes away. I didn't have a job and I didn't feel like I had a purpose.

Since then I quit culinary school, got an amazing job (that we will come back to later), gotten my heart broken (again...what's new?), and made more friends then I can count through church. To other people 2009 may look like an unsuccessful year, but to me it was a year of growth. For the first time in my life I am living my own life, not in a 'not for Jesus' way...more like in a 'not for other people' way. I have really tried my hardest to listen to God and be who He wants me to be. I've tried (and am still trying) to not worry about every little thing and let Him guide me and take control of my life. Isaiah 40:31 says, "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

So now I sit here, already in 2010, not knowing much of what this year will hold....a new job since I will only be at mine until mid-January. Hopefully a new place to live. I love my parents but come on, I'm 23! New friendships and deeper levels to the ones I already have. But for 2010 I want to live by this verse. I want to put my hope in the Lord, completely. I want to give God a chance to be God, to be my provider, my comforter, my strength, my shelter, and whatever else He wants to be in my life this year. It sounds a lot better than the way I usually do things!

So to all my friends and family, and to those who had a particularly rough year, "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-25.

transparency

So in this blog I am just going to tell it like it is. The past month or so has been rough. I have realized that I have been holding on to a lot of things in my past that I just can't seem to let go. I guess it's a daily battle. I have been reading, praying, and studying the Word more than ever. But I still seem to be missing something; TRUST. I don't know how to trust God. The funny thing is, when I give other people advice this is the first thing I tell them..."trust God." And I believe He will come through for them or make a way. With all my heart I believe! But when it comes to my own life I really struggle with trusting that God wants to provide for me, or that He has my best interest at heart. Somehow I don't think I am worthy enough. (And I'm not, but Jesus tore that veil and made a way when He died on the cross for us, for ME.) I know all of this, yet somehow I still can't seem to trust Him! This infuriates me more than anything.

James 1:2-4 says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be MATURE and COMPLETE, not lacking anything." This is my prayer right now: That God would make me mature and complete, not lacking anything. But I have to remember to trust God.

Just last night I was telling someone that my dad had made a decision for me. They then asked how I felt about the decision and I said, "It really doesn't matter because I just have to know that he is my daddy and he has my best interest at heart. So I have to trust that he made the decision that was best for me." At that moment It was like the words coming out of my mouth were from the God, about God. He is my Daddy and He has my best interest at heart, therefore I must trust Him.

Someone, besides me needed that.

the rainbow

Ok let me start off by saying I am the worst blogger ever! I am so inconsistent! Ok now look at the picture very closely... can you see the rainbow? 

The last month or so I have been in a funk.... not depressed or anything, just a funk. I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying, searching...etc. I feel like my life changes from day to day and I can't catch up with it. Last year at this time I was in the roughest spot in my life to date. I keep thinking to myself, I cannot go through something like that again! I won't make it. Last year was my flood. 

Throughout this "funk" I have been consistently praying and seeking what God has for me. Today as I drove home from work I had the radio off and I was praying aloud. I turned the corner and to my amazement, I saw the most beautiful rainbow (you can hardly see it in the picture though). Then I remembered in the Bible God sent a rainbow to promise Noah and his family that he would never send a flood like that again to destroy the earth. This was a simple way for God to say He will never send a flood like that to destroy my life again. Even when life gets hard, God did not leave Noah and his family and He will not leave me! 

So Lord, I will praise you in the storm.

My emo blog!

        So most of the time my blogs are about deep spiritual growth or something a little mind provoking...NOT TODAY!!! This last month has been one of the most stressful ones of my life. I work full time as a nanny, I go to school at night, I take voice and piano lessons and practice at some point in between, I am getting more involved in the young adults ministry I go to (and I love it), and I still seem to have somewhat of a social life! This would normally be fine, but for some reason it's not working for me. I don't have as much time to my self as I would like (something that I did not require before masters) and more importantly, I don't have as much time to spend with Jesus. Something's gotta give! I love being the friend that other people can come to for help, but right now I don't know how much more I can take. 

        On top of all of this I am tormenting myself inside my head. It seems as if most of my friends are doing what they feel called to do in life, or settling down, getting married, and dare i say it...even having kids. I know every twenty-something year old out there probably feels the same way, but i feel stuck. I am struggling in school more than I ever have, I have worked very hard to have a 4.0 GPA and I am on the verge of not even passing one of my classes...Pathetic! And since I am my own worst critic, this eats away at me. I once did extra credit to bring my grade in a class up from a 98 to a 100 even though it would just read A on my report card. I couldn't help it...I would know the REAL grade. 

        I look at everything I am doing right now and somethings gotta give. ok my job...NOPE! thats how I get my money and pay the bills...and besides, I love my job! well then what about piano and voice...NO WAY! I feel like singing is my biggest calling in life, and right now that is the ONLY time I sing. Then what about 2020? YEAH RIGHT! that is one of the only things that is keeping me somewhat sane right now. It can't be my friends or my family because what is this life all about if you don't have relationships. Then what? School? It's really tempting right now, I'm not gonna lie! If I don't start understanding what is going on in this class, I may have to. Then what would happen? I would have to endure the speeches about how I am screwing up my life from my mom and sister. I have been thinking about it, and really I don't even want to work with my major...or any major I could get for that matter. To be perfectly honest, I am really just going so everyone else will shut up. 

        I don't know if everyone else feels this way, but I am a big believer in, "If you don't like what you're getting, change what you're doing." So here is my prayer, "Lord help me to hear your voice. Give me peace in the storm and lead me in the way you want me to go because in the end, that's what really matters."

        I am not one to show a vulnerable side, I like to think I can do any and everything. When will I learn to just let go and let God....I don't know, it may be a constant battle. 

My screwed up mindset

Tell me, am I the only one who thinks like this?

Anytime I am talking to a friend who is in need, I never hesitate to say with enthusiasm, "I will pray for you!" Not only do I pray for them, bust I expect God to move. I expect things to happen and hearts to change! And they do, things happen...God pulls through once again...YAY! However, anytime I need or even want things to change in my life or want God to pull through in my life, I don't even want to pray about it because I really don't expect God to answer a prayer for me. I don't know if deep down inside I think it is selfish to pray for my needs when I could be praying for someone else's, or if I just don't think I deserve what I am asking for. I don't know what it is, but I just can't seem to pray for my own needs with the same expectancy as I pray for others. How do I break this? Am I the only on who feels like this? Will it ever change? I don't know, ironically, I guess I will have to pray about it....

clock watching

So today I found myself thinking it was Wednesday all day, when in fact it was only Tuesday. Every time I had to remind myself it was Tuesday, I found myself getting so upset. Then I realized Every day I count down the hours and minutes until I leave work, then the hours and minutes until the next activity and so on until I go to bed, then the next day I wake up and do it all over again...also counting down the days until the weekend. The more I look around, the more I find that I am not the only one wishing my life away. When will I (we) stop counting down and start enjoying each moment of my life? Is it when I move out of my parents house? When I get a big girl job? When I get married? Have kids? Or maybe it will be when my kids go to school, or even when they go off to college, how about when I retire?  I think you get my point. But now I see the problem but now how do I fix it? When will I learn to slow down and just enjoy my life, every part of it. When will I learn to stop worrying about what's next and be content with where I am at? I will let you know when I figure that out!