transparency

So in this blog I am just going to tell it like it is. The past month or so has been rough. I have realized that I have been holding on to a lot of things in my past that I just can't seem to let go. I guess it's a daily battle. I have been reading, praying, and studying the Word more than ever. But I still seem to be missing something; TRUST. I don't know how to trust God. The funny thing is, when I give other people advice this is the first thing I tell them..."trust God." And I believe He will come through for them or make a way. With all my heart I believe! But when it comes to my own life I really struggle with trusting that God wants to provide for me, or that He has my best interest at heart. Somehow I don't think I am worthy enough. (And I'm not, but Jesus tore that veil and made a way when He died on the cross for us, for ME.) I know all of this, yet somehow I still can't seem to trust Him! This infuriates me more than anything.

James 1:2-4 says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be MATURE and COMPLETE, not lacking anything." This is my prayer right now: That God would make me mature and complete, not lacking anything. But I have to remember to trust God.

Just last night I was telling someone that my dad had made a decision for me. They then asked how I felt about the decision and I said, "It really doesn't matter because I just have to know that he is my daddy and he has my best interest at heart. So I have to trust that he made the decision that was best for me." At that moment It was like the words coming out of my mouth were from the God, about God. He is my Daddy and He has my best interest at heart, therefore I must trust Him.

Someone, besides me needed that.

the rainbow

Ok let me start off by saying I am the worst blogger ever! I am so inconsistent! Ok now look at the picture very closely... can you see the rainbow? 

The last month or so I have been in a funk.... not depressed or anything, just a funk. I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying, searching...etc. I feel like my life changes from day to day and I can't catch up with it. Last year at this time I was in the roughest spot in my life to date. I keep thinking to myself, I cannot go through something like that again! I won't make it. Last year was my flood. 

Throughout this "funk" I have been consistently praying and seeking what God has for me. Today as I drove home from work I had the radio off and I was praying aloud. I turned the corner and to my amazement, I saw the most beautiful rainbow (you can hardly see it in the picture though). Then I remembered in the Bible God sent a rainbow to promise Noah and his family that he would never send a flood like that again to destroy the earth. This was a simple way for God to say He will never send a flood like that to destroy my life again. Even when life gets hard, God did not leave Noah and his family and He will not leave me! 

So Lord, I will praise you in the storm.

My emo blog!

        So most of the time my blogs are about deep spiritual growth or something a little mind provoking...NOT TODAY!!! This last month has been one of the most stressful ones of my life. I work full time as a nanny, I go to school at night, I take voice and piano lessons and practice at some point in between, I am getting more involved in the young adults ministry I go to (and I love it), and I still seem to have somewhat of a social life! This would normally be fine, but for some reason it's not working for me. I don't have as much time to my self as I would like (something that I did not require before masters) and more importantly, I don't have as much time to spend with Jesus. Something's gotta give! I love being the friend that other people can come to for help, but right now I don't know how much more I can take. 

        On top of all of this I am tormenting myself inside my head. It seems as if most of my friends are doing what they feel called to do in life, or settling down, getting married, and dare i say it...even having kids. I know every twenty-something year old out there probably feels the same way, but i feel stuck. I am struggling in school more than I ever have, I have worked very hard to have a 4.0 GPA and I am on the verge of not even passing one of my classes...Pathetic! And since I am my own worst critic, this eats away at me. I once did extra credit to bring my grade in a class up from a 98 to a 100 even though it would just read A on my report card. I couldn't help it...I would know the REAL grade. 

        I look at everything I am doing right now and somethings gotta give. ok my job...NOPE! thats how I get my money and pay the bills...and besides, I love my job! well then what about piano and voice...NO WAY! I feel like singing is my biggest calling in life, and right now that is the ONLY time I sing. Then what about 2020? YEAH RIGHT! that is one of the only things that is keeping me somewhat sane right now. It can't be my friends or my family because what is this life all about if you don't have relationships. Then what? School? It's really tempting right now, I'm not gonna lie! If I don't start understanding what is going on in this class, I may have to. Then what would happen? I would have to endure the speeches about how I am screwing up my life from my mom and sister. I have been thinking about it, and really I don't even want to work with my major...or any major I could get for that matter. To be perfectly honest, I am really just going so everyone else will shut up. 

        I don't know if everyone else feels this way, but I am a big believer in, "If you don't like what you're getting, change what you're doing." So here is my prayer, "Lord help me to hear your voice. Give me peace in the storm and lead me in the way you want me to go because in the end, that's what really matters."

        I am not one to show a vulnerable side, I like to think I can do any and everything. When will I learn to just let go and let God....I don't know, it may be a constant battle. 

My screwed up mindset

Tell me, am I the only one who thinks like this?

Anytime I am talking to a friend who is in need, I never hesitate to say with enthusiasm, "I will pray for you!" Not only do I pray for them, bust I expect God to move. I expect things to happen and hearts to change! And they do, things happen...God pulls through once again...YAY! However, anytime I need or even want things to change in my life or want God to pull through in my life, I don't even want to pray about it because I really don't expect God to answer a prayer for me. I don't know if deep down inside I think it is selfish to pray for my needs when I could be praying for someone else's, or if I just don't think I deserve what I am asking for. I don't know what it is, but I just can't seem to pray for my own needs with the same expectancy as I pray for others. How do I break this? Am I the only on who feels like this? Will it ever change? I don't know, ironically, I guess I will have to pray about it....

clock watching

So today I found myself thinking it was Wednesday all day, when in fact it was only Tuesday. Every time I had to remind myself it was Tuesday, I found myself getting so upset. Then I realized Every day I count down the hours and minutes until I leave work, then the hours and minutes until the next activity and so on until I go to bed, then the next day I wake up and do it all over again...also counting down the days until the weekend. The more I look around, the more I find that I am not the only one wishing my life away. When will I (we) stop counting down and start enjoying each moment of my life? Is it when I move out of my parents house? When I get a big girl job? When I get married? Have kids? Or maybe it will be when my kids go to school, or even when they go off to college, how about when I retire?  I think you get my point. But now I see the problem but now how do I fix it? When will I learn to slow down and just enjoy my life, every part of it. When will I learn to stop worrying about what's next and be content with where I am at? I will let you know when I figure that out!

love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps not record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 cor. 13

Sometimes I forget what love is. I want this love; not only from others, but I want to give this kind of love. This is everything that God is, and everything that our flesh does not want to be. I often times find myself more the opposite if this passage. It's like "Becca is NOT patient, she is not kind. She easily envies, she loves to boast, she is proud...." So here it is, it takes more than wanting to be all of the things. I have to actually do it. My mom once said, "You haven't actually made a decision until you follow through with it." (she was actually talking about working out, but I find it goes along with everything else in life) So everyday I am going to try to put this love into action. I encourage everyone else to try it too!

How Do I Love Thee?

Probably my favorite poem of all time...

How Do I Love Thee?

by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do i love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love the to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of every day's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for right.

I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better in death.