please don't tell me I'm....

There are a few things i hope people NEVER say about me...

1. I'm Flaky. Flaky people annoy the crap out of me. If you aren't going to be somewhere or do something, just say it. There is no need to commit if you are not going to follow through. I strive to be a person who family, friends, co-workers, and anyone else can depend on.

2. I'm Lazy. I want to be a person who gets things done. Someone who is driven. I want people to look at me and think, "Now she is going places.'

3. I'm Insecure. Insecure people drive me INSANE! Get a little confidence, You were made by the Most High King and the Lord of all creation!! Seriously, if He thinks you're worth something, then you MUST be!

4. I'm Boring. As most of you can tell, I like to be the life of the party....but I also enjoy a cozy night at home. That being said, I don't ever want people to say I'm boring.

5. I use improper grammar. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine! I HATE it when people speak like uneducated children. Have some class people. I never want people to think I am one of those.

6. I'm socially awkward. Admit it, we've all been there. Someone is talking to you and you can't WAIT to get away. There is a lull in the conversation, you think "This is my chance!" but the other person doesn't get it. This is awkward for everyone...don't let it be you!

7. I'm a bad listener. I'll be honest, I really am a bad listener...but I don't want people to say it! It's not that I'm not interested in what you're saying, it's just that I'm too ADD to pay attention. Or you're taking your sweet time getting to the freakin' point! (Refer to #6)

8. I'm Rude. I think sometimes I come across as rude. Oops! My bad! This might be because I cut to the chase. I use abrupt words to get my point across. I also don't like small talk, so if I need something, I'll get right to the point. I am also VERY sarcastic and people sometimes take it the wrong way...your loss.

9. I'm conceited. I know what I'm good at, and I know what I am not good at. I have confidence in things I do well, but I NEVER want people to think I am conceited. There are many times when I am quite the opposite, in fact.

10. I'm a Space Cadet. We all have that friend, you know, the one who is really smart on paper but in real life they just don't seem to be "all there." They always seem to be in their own little world.

Tonight Mike mentioned something about flaky people in his message. Yesterday I was telling my mom that I NEVER wanted people to say that I am a flaky person. This got me thinking of who I don't want to be. We always think about who we want to be but I want to make sure I am not who I don't want to be also.

Investments

Lately I have been reading the Bible more than I ever have...consistently. A couple of weeks ago I challenged my small group to connect with God EVERYday. For instance: a quiet time. It seems simple but in the chaos that is our lives, sometimes it's hard to break away from life and have just a moment with the one who gave us life. I challenged them to not just pray, although that is important, but to read the Bible during this time. I think so many of us, myself included, take for granted that this is the written WORD OF GOD! We long for Him to speak to us but we refuse to open up his precious word and listen!

Since I am the one who is challenging the group, I guess I better do it! And I have, every single day! For some of you this may be simple but I am just going to be honest, some days it is really hard for me to open up the Bible and give it a lil read! I don't know why, but it is. And the longer I go without doing it, the more I don't want to. I never want to get in this habit again. On the other hand, the more I read it, the more I can't stop! And I always want to be in this habit!

As I read, more and more, I realize that it is not about me. God can work with or without me. But what an honor that He chose me. One thing Mike said tonight at the Movement, "It's not about us, it's about our message." How can I know what the message is if I am not reading it? He also asked if we were invested enough to make others want to invest. This made me think because I know that I am invested, but am I fully invested? I give my time, my money, my talent, even my gas for this ministry but do I really live what I am selling? I guess it's time to start!

A few things that have happened since I have been turning my focus completely to God...

I got a job!! YAY! Not just any job, my OLD job back! During my "unemployment" I filled in for a family I used to work for, with 3 boys, making MORE money than my normal job! Then when I was almost done at that job, my boss (the mother of the girls I was nannying) offered me my old job back, but even better than before! How does this happen??? It's the LORD!! Seriously! Who looses their job, then makes more money at an interim job, only to get their old job back at even better terms?? WOW!

During this whole time I could hear God saying, just watch me! Just sit back and let me be God. I didn't feel like I was supposed to go look for a job or plan anything else, I was just to let God handle it, and He did! How amazing! He just wanted me to give Him complete control of my life! ok God, here it is, take control!

But those who hope in the Lord.

Last year I wrote a blog on my facebook about the year I had in 2008. It was full of good and bad and I found out I was stronger than I thought. I wrapped up the blog by telling 2009 and "bring it on" I could take it...And boy did it! Needless to say, I am not ending this blog the same way!

I feel like this has been one of the hardest years of my life, if not THE hardest. I also feel like it has been hard for almost everyone. At the beginning of 2009 I just moved back to dallas, and back in with my parents. I was heart broken and never felt more alone. I was going to culinary school, and hating it! I had no church home and about 3 friends that still lived in the area, and I use 'in the area' very loosely since the closest one lived over 20 minutes away. I didn't have a job and I didn't feel like I had a purpose.

Since then I quit culinary school, got an amazing job (that we will come back to later), gotten my heart broken (again...what's new?), and made more friends then I can count through church. To other people 2009 may look like an unsuccessful year, but to me it was a year of growth. For the first time in my life I am living my own life, not in a 'not for Jesus' way...more like in a 'not for other people' way. I have really tried my hardest to listen to God and be who He wants me to be. I've tried (and am still trying) to not worry about every little thing and let Him guide me and take control of my life. Isaiah 40:31 says, "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

So now I sit here, already in 2010, not knowing much of what this year will hold....a new job since I will only be at mine until mid-January. Hopefully a new place to live. I love my parents but come on, I'm 23! New friendships and deeper levels to the ones I already have. But for 2010 I want to live by this verse. I want to put my hope in the Lord, completely. I want to give God a chance to be God, to be my provider, my comforter, my strength, my shelter, and whatever else He wants to be in my life this year. It sounds a lot better than the way I usually do things!

So to all my friends and family, and to those who had a particularly rough year, "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-25.

the rainbow

Ok let me start off by saying I am the worst blogger ever! I am so inconsistent! Ok now look at the picture very closely... can you see the rainbow? 

The last month or so I have been in a funk.... not depressed or anything, just a funk. I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying, searching...etc. I feel like my life changes from day to day and I can't catch up with it. Last year at this time I was in the roughest spot in my life to date. I keep thinking to myself, I cannot go through something like that again! I won't make it. Last year was my flood. 

Throughout this "funk" I have been consistently praying and seeking what God has for me. Today as I drove home from work I had the radio off and I was praying aloud. I turned the corner and to my amazement, I saw the most beautiful rainbow (you can hardly see it in the picture though). Then I remembered in the Bible God sent a rainbow to promise Noah and his family that he would never send a flood like that again to destroy the earth. This was a simple way for God to say He will never send a flood like that to destroy my life again. Even when life gets hard, God did not leave Noah and his family and He will not leave me! 

So Lord, I will praise you in the storm.

My emo blog!

        So most of the time my blogs are about deep spiritual growth or something a little mind provoking...NOT TODAY!!! This last month has been one of the most stressful ones of my life. I work full time as a nanny, I go to school at night, I take voice and piano lessons and practice at some point in between, I am getting more involved in the young adults ministry I go to (and I love it), and I still seem to have somewhat of a social life! This would normally be fine, but for some reason it's not working for me. I don't have as much time to my self as I would like (something that I did not require before masters) and more importantly, I don't have as much time to spend with Jesus. Something's gotta give! I love being the friend that other people can come to for help, but right now I don't know how much more I can take. 

        On top of all of this I am tormenting myself inside my head. It seems as if most of my friends are doing what they feel called to do in life, or settling down, getting married, and dare i say it...even having kids. I know every twenty-something year old out there probably feels the same way, but i feel stuck. I am struggling in school more than I ever have, I have worked very hard to have a 4.0 GPA and I am on the verge of not even passing one of my classes...Pathetic! And since I am my own worst critic, this eats away at me. I once did extra credit to bring my grade in a class up from a 98 to a 100 even though it would just read A on my report card. I couldn't help it...I would know the REAL grade. 

        I look at everything I am doing right now and somethings gotta give. ok my job...NOPE! thats how I get my money and pay the bills...and besides, I love my job! well then what about piano and voice...NO WAY! I feel like singing is my biggest calling in life, and right now that is the ONLY time I sing. Then what about 2020? YEAH RIGHT! that is one of the only things that is keeping me somewhat sane right now. It can't be my friends or my family because what is this life all about if you don't have relationships. Then what? School? It's really tempting right now, I'm not gonna lie! If I don't start understanding what is going on in this class, I may have to. Then what would happen? I would have to endure the speeches about how I am screwing up my life from my mom and sister. I have been thinking about it, and really I don't even want to work with my major...or any major I could get for that matter. To be perfectly honest, I am really just going so everyone else will shut up. 

        I don't know if everyone else feels this way, but I am a big believer in, "If you don't like what you're getting, change what you're doing." So here is my prayer, "Lord help me to hear your voice. Give me peace in the storm and lead me in the way you want me to go because in the end, that's what really matters."

        I am not one to show a vulnerable side, I like to think I can do any and everything. When will I learn to just let go and let God....I don't know, it may be a constant battle. 

clock watching

So today I found myself thinking it was Wednesday all day, when in fact it was only Tuesday. Every time I had to remind myself it was Tuesday, I found myself getting so upset. Then I realized Every day I count down the hours and minutes until I leave work, then the hours and minutes until the next activity and so on until I go to bed, then the next day I wake up and do it all over again...also counting down the days until the weekend. The more I look around, the more I find that I am not the only one wishing my life away. When will I (we) stop counting down and start enjoying each moment of my life? Is it when I move out of my parents house? When I get a big girl job? When I get married? Have kids? Or maybe it will be when my kids go to school, or even when they go off to college, how about when I retire?  I think you get my point. But now I see the problem but now how do I fix it? When will I learn to slow down and just enjoy my life, every part of it. When will I learn to stop worrying about what's next and be content with where I am at? I will let you know when I figure that out!

love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps not record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 cor. 13

Sometimes I forget what love is. I want this love; not only from others, but I want to give this kind of love. This is everything that God is, and everything that our flesh does not want to be. I often times find myself more the opposite if this passage. It's like "Becca is NOT patient, she is not kind. She easily envies, she loves to boast, she is proud...." So here it is, it takes more than wanting to be all of the things. I have to actually do it. My mom once said, "You haven't actually made a decision until you follow through with it." (she was actually talking about working out, but I find it goes along with everything else in life) So everyday I am going to try to put this love into action. I encourage everyone else to try it too!

If you just come with me....

   This has been a very fun and hectic weekend....I have been on the go the entire weekend. It started off with a night out with them fam. We went to eat, then we saw a friend and his band play at, what I like to call, a red neck bar! (let me make this clear; I would not hang out there if my friend was not playing there.) As I was sitting in this bar, I could feel a tugging in my spirit. It was a tugging that could only be from God. Saturday was busy from the start, The usual saturday errands began the day then Saturday night I went to the Rascal Flats concert. It was amazing. But while I was enjoy the incredible harmonies of one of the greatest groups of all time, I still couldn't shake this tugging. It was here, He was here. In the midst of the thousands and thousands of people, my God was sitting right next to me on the same blanket I was on. 

   All weekend long, I kept feeling this tug all weekend and I wondered what God was trying to say....

   This morning I got up and went to church. It is always an amazing experience at my church. I am truly lucky to go to a church where the leaders are not afraid to hear and obey God completely. As I am listening to the guest speaker, he starts to tell as story about an old man. This man was about to die, but before he did, he went to see mount everest. The man almost cancelled the tour because of foggy weather but the tour guide said, "If you just come with me, I promise, it's bigger than you imagined." So the man agreed and followed the guide. He could barely see his own feel, due to the fog. After a 2 hour travel, they finally reached the mountain. the man squinted and saw some mountains in the distance. He saw one that was slightly bigger than the rest and said, "I think I see it!!!" with excitement. The guide chuckled and turned the mans head upward and to the old man's amazement...It was HUGE! Bigger than he could ever imagined. 

   You see, this has been a very primitive time in my life. I cannot even explain it. I know God has an amazing plan for me, but I know it will take enormous sacrifice on my part. I may not always live a comfortably as I am used to. In fact I know I won't. I am taking steps to get to where I want to be, but it has been hard...and I know it will only get harder for a while. When I tell the people who are close to me about what I think God is calling me to do or what and where I think my next steps are going to be, I haven't gotten the reaction I thought I would. For some reason I thought everyone would just jump on board and say, "You can do it Becca!! That sounds awesome!" Instead I have gotten this reaction, "Why don't you just get your teaching degree, that way you can have a nice steady job." or "Good luck with that!" (in a sarcastic tone.) But it seems that when I tell people who haven't known me forever, or people that don't even know me at all what I think God's plan is for me, I get an enthusiastic, "Cool! That is so awesome! You'll be great at that!" So in the back of my mind I have been struggling with wondering if I really heard God's voice in this. But today at church I heard God saying to me, "If you just come with me, I promise, it's bigger than you imagine." (I was probably the only one in my whole congregations, 20,000 people, who more than teared up in this story.) 

   I don't know exactly what God has planned, or the exact road that will take me there, but I do know, If I just come with Him, it's bigger than I could ever imagine.

The New and Improved Becca

Do you ever feel this way?

   I know what I want to be, but I don't know how to get there. I almost feel stuck as the person that I am, like I will never go further into who I was made to be. I want to be the person everyone can count on. the one you can call at 3 am and I will stay on the phone with you, whatever you need. I want to be financially independent; out of my parents house. (it's a good house, but I'm 22.) I could do that, but I have yet to finish college. I know that in the long run, it is better to stay here for free and finish school than to get out on my own and get stuck working and never finish college. I also know that more than anything else, I want to sing. (how cheesy does that sound? haha!) It's true. I believe that is my biggest calling; the reason I was put on this earth, however, I have not sang (and by singing, i mean on a worship team or band.) in over five years. Right now I do not have the time to commit to any such team but I still have the itch. I keep trying to get involved in the worship team at my church, and EVERY time I sign up for the meeting you have to go to before the evaluation, something important, like school or work, comes up and I cannot go. Then I think, "If i can't even make it to the meeting, how can I devote time every week to practice?" I feel that I have a valid point for this...if I cannot commit, the I cannot commit. 

   More than all of this I see a person who is so in love with God that this is her reason for being. Someone who really does trust God with her entire life, not just the parts that she can give up control (which aren't many), but her whole life. I want to be a girl, or better yet a young lady, who knows the voice of God. Not just as my God, but as my friend. I want to be able to hear Him in a crowded room full of people and the noise that goes along with it. I want to be able to hear Him in a quite room with no one there but me and Him. I want to be a person who is truly patient and slow to anger. I see myself at home when I get mad about something, or in traffic, yelling at the other drivers...this is not a girl who is slow to anger. 

   I wonder if I will ever be this person. Am I too hard on myself? After all, I am only human. We are supposed to strive to be like Jesus, right? But we aren't Jesus. He is the only one who is perfect. Are we striving for something we will never reach? I don't know, I may never know. If I ever get there, to be this person I so desperately want to be, will I be striving to be another person? An even better person? I sure hope so. 

   If any of you know me at all, you know that I am quite the perfectionist. Sometimes to a point where it is hindering to me. If I try something and start to fail, I will quit before I can. Or if I think I may not be good at something, then I will just not try it at all. I think I am the same in my christian walk. When I do something "bad" or "wrong," I tend to just give up on being this person I want to be. Every time I say, "This time I will do better," but still I make the same old mistakes, I cuss out the people in traffic, (calm down, they can't hear me!) or I skip out on reading my Bible to watch tv or just zone out or take a nap. Will I ever get to this new and improved Becca or is this what a christian life actually is? 

The Start of it All

   This whole blogging thing is new to me but I wanted to give it a go...I love to write, love to spill my brain. I'm not really expecting anyone to read this but I am thinking it is going to do a lot for my sanity to clear my head in a space where I think no one is listening. 

   The last two months have been very strange for me. A lot has changed in my thinking, and I have made a lot of little and big decisions that will surely turn my life in a new direction. I am trying to forget about what I think I want in life and what I think is best for me and fully trust God and listen to what he has for me. This is VERY hard for me!!! I don't know if I can explain it any other way. You know how you always tell your friends when they are going through something, "Well just give it to God!" or "We'll just have to trust God, He knows what's best! It will all work out!" I am one of those friends! That is my first answer for everything...but I'm gonna let you in on a little secret...I don't always believe that. In fact i RARELY believe it. It's so easy to say you trust God, but when it comes down to it, do you REALLY trust Him. I know I don't always trust that He has everything under control. Maybe it's because I am such a control freak, maybe this is harder for me, but I have a feeling I am not the only one who struggles in this area. 

   I am starting a book, Stop Acting Like a Christian, Just be One, and I think I am really going to get a lot out of it. I am trying to figure out what it looks like to really be a christian...this word has been so twisted, I don''t even like using it. So many "christians" have ruined it for the rest of us and more importantly, those who are not christians. I am searching for what this is all really about, instead of what we've made it to be...if anyone can really figure that out.

   

   Thanks for listening!