Broken

A year and a half ago my life was headed for disaster. I was partying and drinking almost every night, sleeping with a guy who didn't care about me, and digging myself into a financial disaster.

One day, in November of 2008, I looked at my life from an outside perspective...and I didn't like it. I thought to myself, "what if Jesus came back right now? Would He even know me?" Sadly, He wouldn't. This was not the way I was raised. I had a very stable and christian upbringing. But when I got out on my own, without a church and no one to help guide me spiritually...my conservative upbringing didn't seem to matter. The day I started re-evaluating my life I also looked at my friends and realized...they aren't happy. They are always struggling. And my life was headed that way...But worst of all, these are people who, at one point in their lives, had a very strong relationship with Jesus. People that I looked up to spiritually.

I packed up my stuff...broke my lease on my apartment, and headed home. A lot of people didn't understand my decision. They thought..."She just couldn't cut it out there on her own." And in some ways, that is true. I couldn't make it without a relationship with Jesus. I tried to do everything on my own and I was sinking in EVERY area of my life. I couldn't afford to make rent. I didn't have a steady relationship, or true friends I could trust my life with. I didn't have a church. I didn't have anything.

I was more depressed than I had ever been. On the verge of an eating disorder and a drinking problem, I was desperate. But God spared me. The night before I moved home I called everyone I knew that I thought could get me some cocaine. NO ONE answered. These are people who answer their phones at 3am regularly. I never tried it. My mom and friends back home must have been praying hard that night.

Since I moved back I have probably had a total of 10 drinks...this includes the glasses of wine I leave half full with my dinner. I have no desire for it. I got to church every Sunday and am very involved in a young adults ministry. And most importantly, I have been redeemed by the blood of Jesus. I truly know what it is like for His mercies to be new again every morning.

Not too long ago I saw a few of those friends...they are still living the same. I pray for them everyday and I am so grateful for my life and my freedom. Today, as I was praying, my heart was broken for all the people my age who think they have to live this way. They think there is not way out. They are too far in. They are unlovable. They are WRONG! If God can meet me where I am at,He can meet anyone. It is time to show love to the "unlovable" and pray them back into the Kingdom of heaven. I am only where I am at today because of prayer so I can only pay it forward.

I haven't even told my family this story about my life so I don't know why I am putting it all out here for the world to see. I just felt it was necessary.

His grace is sufficient for ALL of our needs.

and life goes on...

Today was probably the hardest day of my life. Monday my grandfather, who has been fighter for life for almost the last 2 months, passed away. This was so hard for me because I REALLY thought God was going to heal him. I know God's ways are not my own, and thank God for that, but this time I really thought He was going to come through for me on this one. We had seen so much progress....come so far...and then it's over. Just like that.

Almost 7 years ago my grandmother, his wife, passed away suddenly. In a way, this was harder for me. Now it's really over. I spent every single day of my childhood at their house, with them. They were the BEST grandparents I could ever have. So generous, so forgiving, everything you could ask for in a grandparent and more. And now, almost 7 years later, they are reunited. What a beautiful day in heaven. To finally be with your Lord and your wife. I couldn't be happier about that but still my heart is heavy. I am grieved for my dad, who doesn't have any parents on earth. That has to be a weird feeling. Where do you go when you need advice from someone who has been there before? The house that I grew up in, where my grandparents have lived for over 40 years is now empty. I can't begin to imagine how hard it will be to go over and clean it out. I can't imagine how my aunt feels, having no family of her own. Her daddy never got to walk her down the isle.

Today was sort of like a funeral for the both of my grandparents. I will miss you more than you know, Memaw and Grandpa.

in Love always,

Rebecca

please don't tell me I'm....

There are a few things i hope people NEVER say about me...

1. I'm Flaky. Flaky people annoy the crap out of me. If you aren't going to be somewhere or do something, just say it. There is no need to commit if you are not going to follow through. I strive to be a person who family, friends, co-workers, and anyone else can depend on.

2. I'm Lazy. I want to be a person who gets things done. Someone who is driven. I want people to look at me and think, "Now she is going places.'

3. I'm Insecure. Insecure people drive me INSANE! Get a little confidence, You were made by the Most High King and the Lord of all creation!! Seriously, if He thinks you're worth something, then you MUST be!

4. I'm Boring. As most of you can tell, I like to be the life of the party....but I also enjoy a cozy night at home. That being said, I don't ever want people to say I'm boring.

5. I use improper grammar. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine! I HATE it when people speak like uneducated children. Have some class people. I never want people to think I am one of those.

6. I'm socially awkward. Admit it, we've all been there. Someone is talking to you and you can't WAIT to get away. There is a lull in the conversation, you think "This is my chance!" but the other person doesn't get it. This is awkward for everyone...don't let it be you!

7. I'm a bad listener. I'll be honest, I really am a bad listener...but I don't want people to say it! It's not that I'm not interested in what you're saying, it's just that I'm too ADD to pay attention. Or you're taking your sweet time getting to the freakin' point! (Refer to #6)

8. I'm Rude. I think sometimes I come across as rude. Oops! My bad! This might be because I cut to the chase. I use abrupt words to get my point across. I also don't like small talk, so if I need something, I'll get right to the point. I am also VERY sarcastic and people sometimes take it the wrong way...your loss.

9. I'm conceited. I know what I'm good at, and I know what I am not good at. I have confidence in things I do well, but I NEVER want people to think I am conceited. There are many times when I am quite the opposite, in fact.

10. I'm a Space Cadet. We all have that friend, you know, the one who is really smart on paper but in real life they just don't seem to be "all there." They always seem to be in their own little world.

Tonight Mike mentioned something about flaky people in his message. Yesterday I was telling my mom that I NEVER wanted people to say that I am a flaky person. This got me thinking of who I don't want to be. We always think about who we want to be but I want to make sure I am not who I don't want to be also.

Things I'm excited about...

I have so many things I am excited about at this very moment. Since I LOVE lists, I will list them for you:

• I get to see my FAVORITE little boys tomorrow night!
  
• Whitney, one of my life long friends, is in town this weekend!
• I am going to NEW YORK in less than a month with some new friends!
• I am making the bridal cake and grooms cake for my very good friends, Michael and Stefanie, who are getting married April 23!! (This is NOT a cake I have made, I just like it!)
• I am going to Brazil in July! (Pictures to come!)

In the midst of a miracle!

Some of you may know, about a month ago my 80 year old grandpa fell and broke his neck. He went through the surgery with flying colors but then rapidly started going down hill about 2 weeks ago. He had an abscess on his back from the brace from his halo (yes this is the thing that is super uncomfortable and screwed into his SKULL!) He was delirious and mentally out of it from the pain. He was admitted to the ER with an infection, kidneys not working, and heart rate fluctuating. My dad has been at the hospital almost everyday since this has happened. My dad, sitting by his dad, who is in a coma. He cannot hear him, see him, or even squeeze my dad's hand.

Last Saturday my brother went with my dad to say goodbye, as we decided not to have him kept alive by machines. After this, my brother and I went to Saturday night prayer at the Movement. Only my brother, Pastor Mike, and I were there. At the end of prayer we came together and prayed for my grandfather. One of the things we said was we are praying for COMPLETE healing because we KNOW HE can! And even if He doesn't we still give Him the glory because He still deserves it. These words changed the way I prayed.

Sunday, after church, my dad called the hospital to check on my grandpa. The nurse said he was alert, looking around, squeezing her hand, and nodding his head!! WOW!!!! the DAY after we prayed so hard! He has been improving little by little every day. Today is is unhooked from the machines, ventilator out, and alert and talking. PRAISE GOD! I am amazed at His work! Now we are still praying for COMPLETE healing because I really know He can!

If you have a need, I encourage you to stay faithful. God rewards faithfulness. And even if He doesn't answer your prayer the way you'd like, remain faithful because God is good. Everything He does is for your good. He is concerned with the minor details of your life.

This is for you, Cierra!

Cierra over at California Creation tagged me in a photo game...

The rules are:

Open your first photo folder

Scroll to the 10th photo

Post the photo (no cheating) and the story behind it

Tag some peeps

Ok so I followed the rules and this is the random picture that came up:

This is my brother on Christmas eve night, 2008. Growing up, my dad always told us that Jewish people put up blue christmas lights. (blue CHRISTMAS lights should've been the dead give away that he was lying.) However, thinking that my daddy was always right, I believed him (and so did my brother) until I found out Christmas of '08 that he was lying!! MY whole life had been a lie!! My parents are also involved in the messianic jewish service at our church. We are also crazy FRIENDS fans and love the episode with the "Hanukkah Armadillo."

So my brother and I decided to buy a tree and when my parents went to bed on christmas eve, we would wrap all of the presents in blue paper addressing them to my parents from the Hanukkah Armadillo. We decorated the entire tree in blue...blue lights, blue ornaments...etc. We put the tree smack in the middle of the family room floor! My brother actually crafted the menorah at the top of the tree out of aluminum foil! GO JOHN! Needless to say, this made for a memorable christmas!

ok so here are the people I am tagging:

Rachael over at The Messy Disordered Sweet and Raw Here it is...

Sarah from Mommy Songs

and Adam from The Fat Kind and the Twinkie!

Investments

Lately I have been reading the Bible more than I ever have...consistently. A couple of weeks ago I challenged my small group to connect with God EVERYday. For instance: a quiet time. It seems simple but in the chaos that is our lives, sometimes it's hard to break away from life and have just a moment with the one who gave us life. I challenged them to not just pray, although that is important, but to read the Bible during this time. I think so many of us, myself included, take for granted that this is the written WORD OF GOD! We long for Him to speak to us but we refuse to open up his precious word and listen!

Since I am the one who is challenging the group, I guess I better do it! And I have, every single day! For some of you this may be simple but I am just going to be honest, some days it is really hard for me to open up the Bible and give it a lil read! I don't know why, but it is. And the longer I go without doing it, the more I don't want to. I never want to get in this habit again. On the other hand, the more I read it, the more I can't stop! And I always want to be in this habit!

As I read, more and more, I realize that it is not about me. God can work with or without me. But what an honor that He chose me. One thing Mike said tonight at the Movement, "It's not about us, it's about our message." How can I know what the message is if I am not reading it? He also asked if we were invested enough to make others want to invest. This made me think because I know that I am invested, but am I fully invested? I give my time, my money, my talent, even my gas for this ministry but do I really live what I am selling? I guess it's time to start!

A few things that have happened since I have been turning my focus completely to God...

I got a job!! YAY! Not just any job, my OLD job back! During my "unemployment" I filled in for a family I used to work for, with 3 boys, making MORE money than my normal job! Then when I was almost done at that job, my boss (the mother of the girls I was nannying) offered me my old job back, but even better than before! How does this happen??? It's the LORD!! Seriously! Who looses their job, then makes more money at an interim job, only to get their old job back at even better terms?? WOW!

During this whole time I could hear God saying, just watch me! Just sit back and let me be God. I didn't feel like I was supposed to go look for a job or plan anything else, I was just to let God handle it, and He did! How amazing! He just wanted me to give Him complete control of my life! ok God, here it is, take control!